Darkroom
Pop, 2019
When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? Wow, for a young lady who is not yet twenty at the time of writing, Billie Eilish is really asking questions to make people realize that she is indeed very, very, very deep. Like, she writes about depression and, uh, stuff, and she makes scary videos with her looking all non-binary Goth and vampire Tumblr icon superstar so how can every self-proclaimed snowflake fourteen-year-old resist? Like, stuff, you know, individualism and climate change and, totally, serious stuff like depression and, uh, bigger depression.
It’s so fortunate that our oppressed snowflake goddess has a brother who can produce her music for her – YAAAAS, KWEEN! – and her mom and dad are, like, in the music business and, like, totally buy her a career so that she can be the new non-binary kween of pop YAAAASSSS BABE SLAAAYYY it will be totally hot if she and Greta Thunberg totally become besties or even, like, totally hot and diverse lesbian, non-binary, trans, genderqueer, autistic, questioning, vegan, socialist, depressed girlfriends that join Marvel Cinematic Universe and totally, like, become Captain Marvel’s BFFs and take down the racists, sexists, and fascists in the alt-right.
Who needs to sing when she can just coo and whisper like she totally DGAF but is, like, really, really DTF if you are so progressive and depressed and, ooh, it makes me totally want to cancel the alt-right on social media, but that have to wait because me and my non-binary, autistic, genderqueer friends need to go shopping for branded clothes that will make us look totally different and special from those disgusting alt-right poor Nazis in school, and then we will go drink some soy latte at Starbucks while discussing how to, like, totally take down capitalism by doing yoga in the middle of the street outside our school, as we are oppressed people who need to use our iPhones to totally capture our RESIST EXTINCTION CLIMATE CHANGE IS KILLING US IN 5 WEEKS movement and post it on Instagram so that people will, like, understand that we are totally anti-capitalistic, anti-fascist, anti-alt-right oppressed trans non-binary depressed woke kweens that slay.
Every snowflake who is, like, totally deep and woke really need to listen to Billie Eilish to understand the true meaning of heavy things, such as depression, misogyny, and whatever. I listen to this while binge-watching Thirteen Reasons Why and Riverdale and, wow, I feel like I really connect with all the depressed woke people out there in the world. If you don’t, you’re a totally, literally woman-hater and should deserve to, like die you Nazi alt-right POS.
