Main cast: Matthew Perry (Nicholas “Oz” Oseransky), Bruce Willis (Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski), Natasha Henstridge (Cynthia), Amanda Peet (Jill), Johnny Messner (Zevo), and Kevin Pollak (Laszlo Gogolak)
Director: Howard Deutch
This is an excruciating sequel to The Whole Nine Yards. It is obvious that The Whole Ten Yards is made only because the cast are desperately in need of some moolah or an addition to their resume. If you enjoy watching Bruce Willis act like a rabid abusive jerk as everyone else yells at him or you love wallowing in 98 minutes of petty arguments and violent resolutions to these arguments, this movie is made for you. If you love seeing Bruce Willis’s saggy and pasty-white butt, hey, knock yourself out. Spare a thought for my soul, because I’m sure I’m going to hell for giving money to the people who make this horrible movie.
This time around, dentist Oz Oseransky’s second wife Cynthia is kidnapped by Laszlo Gogolak in what seems like Lazlo’s revenge for Oz and hitman Jimmy Tudeski’s killing his son Janni in the previous episode. Or so I think, because Kevin Pollak’s idea of comedy in this movie is screaming like a rabid coon while the words from his mouth come out like a stream of babbles of a Martian inflicted with Tourette’s Syndrome. Jimmy and his wife Jill are having problems, which leads to many really inappropriate domestic violence undertones passed off as comedy. And everything is wrapped up in a twist of all twists that don’t make sense.
In fact, the actors and actresses look more haunted and frantic as the movie progresses and they are not acting out their roles. I’d bet that they’re aware of how bad this movie is but alas, there is no hope for them now. This movie is painfully unfunny, totally non-entertaining, and everything about it inspires unrestrained loathing. I have never wanted everyone in a movie to die as painfully and slowly as I want Oz, Jimmy, Jill, and company to. Can we make it a law that everyone involved in this stinker of all stinkers will never be allowed to make another movie again?
