Main cast: Sydney Chandler (Wendy), Alex Lawther (Joe Hermit), Essie Davis (Dame Sylvia), Samuel Blenkin (Boy Kavalier), Babou Ceesay (Morrow), Adarsh Gourav (Slightly), Erana James (Curly), Lily Newmark (Nibs), Jonathan Ajayi (Smee), David Rysdahl (Arthur Sylvia), Diêm Camille (Siberian), Moe Bar-El (Rashidi), Adrian Edmondson (Atom Eins), and Timothy Olyphant (Kirsh)
Director: Dana Gonzales

The Real Monsters cement Alien: Earth to be another show written by people that do not know their rear ends from their heads. This episode is so brain-melting stupid that it’s actually bizarre how three people are credited to have written this episode. Maybe they all took turns using a single brain cell to write the whole thing?

This episode is so stupefyingly stupid that a part of me wonders whether it created a severe reaction to my systems that compromised immune system and gave me that terrible flu bout.

Okay, where do I even start? Basically:

• Boy Kavalier never thought to design a failsafe system when his hybrids decided to run amok.
• Then again, why would you even want to transfer the intelligence of braindead kids into bodies that are near indestructible? Since when are kids rational and emotionally mature to handle the dangerous situations that they are thrown into?
• He knows that the containers cannot contain the monsters, because these monsters can break out whenever they feel like it, and yet… he just keeps them in there anyway?
• He brings only a single guard with him when he checks out the hybrids-gone-wild situation. Even after all he has seen what they could do in graphic detail. 

Then there is Wendy, the epitome of a badly written girl boss.

• Just gets superpowers at convenient moments because, I don’t know, girl boss gonna girl boss, I guess.
• She and the hybrids cause the deaths of so many people, even innocent ones, but the show acts like these homiocidal, sociopathic children-monsters have the moral right because the writers of this show clearly have some serious personal issues and/or can’t write anything good to save their miserable hides.
• Wendy in this episode starts raging that the hybrids have been persecuted when everyone in the show has bent over backwards to save them.
• She screams that they have never allowed the hybrids to be “kids anymore” as she encourages Nibs to commit mass slaughter.
• She is also BFFs with the aliens because they are “honest” with her. Honest how? Oh my god, this show is so stupid.
• Yet the show wants me to believe that The Real Monsters are those humans these monster-children are killing with glee.
• Like I said, Noah Hawley and friends have some serious self-awareness issues when it comes to their works. 

The episode makes zero sense.

• As I’ve mentioned, the idiot “evil CEO” Boy has not devised any failsafe measures when things fail. 
• Somehow a soldier at the back of an alien can fatally kill the alien with a side headshot.
• Meanwhile, other soldiers fail to shoot aliens that are point blank in front of them because they are all Stormtroopers reskinned.
• The show has someone saying they are preparing to evacuate non-essential staff when earlier in the same episode they said all the non-essential staff are already evacuated.
• Often, an order is made, and then people rush to obey by doing something completely different.
• A flashback scene that is then completely negated by the show having that character declare that his past doesn’t matter.
• There is no build up or halfway decent pacing. Despite the fact that this is an episode about aliens and psychopathic children gone rabid, the pace is lackadaisical and powered by people continuing to be dumb and incompetent. 

I can go on and on, but this is easily up there with The Acolyte as one of the most illogical wastes of time from the Disney Turd Mill that I have the misfortune to watch. Did the people behind this crap ever watched the early Alien films? Do they even know anything about the whole franchise?

The only thing this show succeeds in doing is to cement Noah Hawley as a hack that Disney truly deserves. May they continue to lose billions of dollars for giving morons like him a chance to keep failing upward.