Mills & Boon, £2.99, ISBN 978-0-263-86480-9
Contemporary Romance, 2008

I’m pretty sure the guy on the cover is excited to embrace that lady. The ridge is pretty prominent, after all, and…

Wait, why am I staring so hard at the cover of this thing again? That’s right, the story is pretty painful to read, so I’d rather look at pretty things instead and the guy is pretty.

Lynne Graham’s The Greek Tycoon’s Disobedient Bride is a Modern story with a dumb plot. I know, I could have stopped at “Modern story” in the previous sentence, but I’m sure there are some pretty good ones out there. One just have to look very hard for them.

At the crux of this story is a fight over who gets to own Madrigal Court, a land with a crumbling old house.

Billionaire Lysander Metaxis wants it because it once belonged to his family, and since he is so rich and has nothing better to do, he may as well try to get it back.

Ophelia Stewart is broke, because as I’ve said before, romance heroines are allergic to having money. Her grandmother, who quickly kicks the bucket early in the story, had her husband buy this place for her, so it’s not like Madrigal Court has been in the family for generations dating back to the Black Death or something.

Therefore, the heroine doesn’t have concrete reasons to hold on to it after her grandmother’s death, especially since she harbors no fond feelings for her both grandmother and mother—just like with money, romance heroines tend to be allergic to healthy relationships with their female family members too. The author is aware of this, because she has Ophelia coming up with reasons that change depending on the page and, I guess, the phase of the moon.

So, one moment Ophelia wants the place to stick it to the Metaxis due to some failed love story in the family tree, which gives this romance a charming inbred feel to it. Then, she wants to keep the place so that she can pass it to her sister later… if she could find this sister. I’m sure the sister in question would be thrilled to have a crumbling house that will cost a bomb or three to repair and maintain. Later, she will… oh, let’s just say that Ophelia comes up with many excuses to keep the drama going, and none of them makes much sense. 

Naturally, there is nothing these two can do, except to get married; he for the place and she due to the usual “I have no choice! I just love to suffer from torments of my own making!” nonsense.

It doesn’t take a law degree for me to realize that a billionaire marrying a broke-ass loser for non-trophy wife reasons may not be the best thing to do, considering that I don’t see any prenup in action here. Still, I suppose I just need to understand that heroines in Modern romances are too dumb to spell “divorce” and roll with it.

So, the same old song and dance ensues, leading to the always tedious climax of the heroine wailing that she is going to die because she is absolutely sure that Mr Taxi isn’t in love with her after she’d drop her panties so willingly for him every time he beckons at her and points at his crotch.

We’re doing that in the 21st century? She’s already married to him, so why not just find love with the hot pool boy or something? If he chose to divorce her for that, it’s even better as she can then hire a hot lawyer to take Mr Taxi to the cleaner’s. For her to just wail and moan that she isn’t getting love along with the sauce is just silly and a waste of the few precious brain cells of that wretch.

Still, the heroine isn’t a complete submissive doormat. Unfortunately, this means that she and Mr Taxi end up getting into many, many loud, painful childish bickering.

He’s a snotty, condescending, patronizing gremlin and I have no idea why anyone would want him as a spouse aside from all that sweet money of his. Even when he’s trying to be sweet and nice to the heroine at the end of the story, he’s still a snotty slap-worthy gremlin. Meanwhile, she’s loud, childish, indecisive, and prone to jumping to hilariously off-base conclusions.

As a result, it’s not fun to watch these two bicker and fight, as they are both unlikable brats that could use a long time-out at the back of the short bus. It’s not like any of them are fun to root for or against, as they are both equally vapid and tantrum-prone.

So yes, let me study the cover again to help me feel like my old self again…