Rhonda Lee Carver, $2.99, ISBN 978-1370068142
Contemporary Romance, 2017

I have to wonder about grown-ass men of present day that give themselves, without irony, nicknames like Dark Knight. Does Seth Knight, our former Army Ranger turned recluse, fancy himself Batman or something?

But there you go, Rhonda Lee Carver’s The Darkest Knight, where the boys can call themselves all kinds of nicknames and not be confused for edgy LARPers.

Shane is one of those many, many former military people that have a huge fortune. Don’t worry, he didn’t take kickbacks from the military industrial complex, partake in flesh or arms trafficking, or sell military secrets to other countries. His family is super loaded. Boring, I know.

Anyway, he has some scars (sexy ones, of course) and some emotional trauma after a mission gone wrong, so he retreats to being a hermit of sorts in the mountains. Oh don’t worry, he’s not some redneck inbred living in some ramshackle house barricaded with a barb wire fence and land mines. The very idea that such a man would be desirable to any romance heroine!

No, he still has an internet connection, the place is awesome, and I’m sure they wouldn’t dare to rain or snow in that place until the plot demands it.

And now here he was, sitting smack dab on a property worth millions, that was if he made the necessary renovations and set a plan into forward motion. He had twelve cabins, not including his, scattered on the prime location with a sinful view.

That place even has a name: Landing Knight. I wonder if his penis was named Longest Knight. He would probably christen the heroine’s honey pot Knight Rider, I bet.

Our heroine Reese Shane is former military, after sustaining a head injury that led to her discharge. Because she’s a heroine, she’s broke and desperate while at the same time wanting to save the world. After all, how else is she going to find an excuse to put out to the hero that doesn’t seem too much like a financial transaction to some readers? Then again, she does need something from Shane…

Oh, and she also gets the epileptic shakey-shakey and has a service dog. I’m surprised the author hasn’t gone all out in the “See? The heroine really needs the hero to save her!” angle and made Reese missing a leg or arm, but I suppose that that would be too un-sexy for the genre.

Anyway, the Knight sister has thoughtfully died so that her remaining bachelor brother can settle down. Angela is a woman, so there is no point writing her story as she won’t have hot abs and big dongs to excite romance readers, so the author may as well kill her off.

Sadly, this means that Reese may not be getting to convert Landing Knight into the base of her veteran charity service, because romance heroines are too stupid to have binding contracts made with other parties.

She lowered her gaze to the man’s bare upper body and swallowed. He was a soldier so the tattoos weren’t a surprise, not really. But the coiled muscles, marked skin, and caveman appearance certainly was.

She was in the military and she acted like she had never seen a muscular but unkempt man with tattoos before. Really? Are we even trying to pretend to have some semblance of authenticity here?

Shane tells her to get lost, because he is the most tortured person in the world. No one else suffers from trauma and scars on their body, and they don’t have the misfortune to retreat into this luxurious mansion in the mountain to brood and act like a big dumb crybaby, so clearly, no one understands him.

Mind you, the now dead sister did send him some email about Reese’s epileptic peanut butter cupcakes, but our hero is too wrapped up in touching himself to the painful throbs of his misfortune to check his emails in fact. Well, luckily for him, he checks his email now and there it is:

“How’s my sweet brother doing? Why didn’t you come and see me as you promised? Don’t make me come there. I met someone at a charity event who I want you to make contact with. You said you didn’t know what you wanted to do with all that space? I have an idea. By the way, her name is Reese Shane and she was in the military too. Not only is she adorable, but she has a project, Step for Light, I think we could help with. I truly believe this would be good for you in joining her, and hopefully finding something you love to do again. It’s not good to be so alone out there in nowhere land. Smooches and hugs. Call me soon.

I would love to know how Reese can come to the conclusion that she is owed Landing Knight. Based on that email, Angela had an idea and probably mentioned it without making any binding promises. Besides, that place isn’t even hers to give away!

It gets better. When grilled by Shane, Reese reveals that:

• She has no money to invest in the project. She expects Shane to give all the money she needs as well as the place to run her thing.
• She has no plans on how to get back some money to keep the project going. She seems to think that once a charity is set up, the thing magically runs itself.
• She has no plans to give herself a salary. Maybe her head injury has her convinced that she can photosynthesize her food or something.
• She has brought all her things with her to this trip, even if she had no assurance that she would have a place to stay for the night. Oh, and she has no vehicle to take her back to town.
• She tells Shane upfront that not many people will notice that she has gone to his place, which is isolated in the wilderness.

In other words, the heroine is an imbecile that would have certainly flop if the people she approached were insane enough to dump money into her venture to let her start on her journey to being a failure of catastrophic degree.

Anyway, I’m out. I don’t care to know what happens next, because the set up already tells me that the heroine is indescribably stupid, but still comes with unearned sass and sarcasm like she has the right to tell people what to do.

Reese has zero capability to think rationally or logically but still act like she is entitled to money and more due to having a barely-arsed, vague idea of a “charity”.

She is the charity case here, and I’ve already lost enough brain cells trying to make my way through the first 10 pages.

Nope, I’m out.