The Covenant (2006)

Posted by Mrs Giggles on November 19, 2006 in 1 Oogie, Film Reviews, Genre: Horror & Monster

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The Covenant (2006)
The Covenant (2006)

Main cast: Steven Strait (Caleb Danvers), Laura Ramsey (Sarah Wenham), Sebastian Stan (Chase Collins), Taylor Kitsch (Pogue Parry), Chance Crawford (Tyler Simms), Toby Hemingway (Reid Garwin), Jessica Lucas (Kate Tunney), Kyle Schmid (Aaron Abbot), Wendy Crewson (Evelyn Danvers), and Stephen McHattie (James Danvers)
Director: Renny Harlin

The Covenant is an awfully misguided movie. In a perfect world, this people behind this movie would have made up for its atrociously wooden cast and pointlessly stupid script by handing over the direction of the movie to some exploitative lecher who would insist that the cast would perform in the movie in a state of partial to complete nudity at all time. Maybe then there would be an excuse for people to watch this movie on a voluntary basis.

This movie revolves around a bunch of spoiled hooligans who happen to be male witches. They have powers which involve jumping around, looking like brats, and shooting a few lightning bolts here and there. It’s like watching a bunch of braindead basement-dwelling freaks who have somehow managed to look like Abercrombie and Fitch models. As they party and woo-hoo with some young ladies (this is necessary in order to defuse any gay rumors about those brats), someone shows up to kill off the brats one by one. Our hero, Caleb Danvers, takes some time from behaving like an emo to dwell on his cardboard-thin relationship with his father – that is how we know he’s not going to be killed or anything.

The script of this movie is… hopeless, let’s just say. None of the characters are remotely likable, mostly because they are so poorly written that they are pretty much cardboard figurines. When the villain is finally revealed, there is a laughable Dragonball Z-style confrontation that ends in a most anticlimactic manner. I’m not even going to start with the hilariously comical way the hero gains enough powers to defeat the bad guy. Let’s just say that this movie is just pointlessly awful.

Perhaps in the hands of someone like David DeCoteau, The Covenant would see the guys running around in matching tighty-whities for maximum hilarity and gratuitous eye candy. Unfortunately, this movie is misguidedly sober with very little deliberate levity, thus exposing the atrocious script and horribly wooden acting in this movie. It is a great movie to watch if you want to experience for an hour or two what being a lobotomized person is like.

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