Main cast: Elisha Cuthbert (Keira Woods), Eoin Macken (Brian Woods), Abby Fitz (Ellie Woods), and Dylan Fitzmaurice-Brady (Steven Woods)
Director: Brendan Muldowney
Oh, stop me if you have heard this premise before.
Brian and Keira Woods, together with their kids Ellie and Steven, move into a decrepit, creepy old house way bigger than a family of four would ever need. This house is bought for super cheap at an auction.
Soon, weird things happen, the kids start experiencing nightmares and all and Ellie soon vanishes, and Keira starts suspecting that something sinister and paranormal is afoot. The husband Brian, naturally, is like nope, nope, everyone else is crazy because surely there is some sane explanation even after the daughter goes missing.
Oh, and while the daughter going missing may be a good reason to stay in in case she shows up, nonetheless from the moment weird things happen, nobody ever thinks of moving.
Yes, The Cellar is that movie.
On the bright side, it doesn’t overload on cheap and annoying jump scares, so that’s a plus. I know, it’s a low bar indeed, but considering the obnoxiously large number of “haunted house and annoying kids” movies clogging up the drains of streaming services out there, this one is a more pleasant watch.
After all, it isn’t deliberately trying to tear into my nerves with loud crashing sounds, stupid “Boo!” moments while backing away from mirrors, dumb aimless slow-motion walking down dark corridors, and dumber ghosts that appear behind the moron only to just disappear because it shows up just to give viewers a cheap jump scare, and other clichés that have become pure menaces due to all the wannabes lazily rehashing the formula that made Blumhouse Productions a lot of money.
I also like how there is some effort made to flesh out the woo-woo aspect of this movie, although I’m still not sure how that woo-woo entity is linked to counting numbers out loud to oneself. Perhaps someone out there more familiar with that thing can explain better, but the rest of the woo-woo stuff seems to line in nicely with the real world depictions and lore associated with it.
On the other hand, there isn’t much scare here aside from the obvious work done on Elisha Cuthbert’s face that makes her look vaguely wrong somehow. Seriously, I half expect her character’s head to split open to spew forth tentacles or something because Keira looks more like some otherworldly being impersonating a human rather poorly.
That aside, the movie also doesn’t feel fresh or even necessary, as, just like I mentioned earlier, this one resembles any other generic booyah in a big house movie out there, right down to the kids and the skeptical husband and what not.
I feel that it’s one of the less annoying ones I’ve come across, yes, but it’s not exactly a memorable movie at the end of the day. File it under take it or leave it, it really doesn’t matter.
