Main cast: Kristen Connolly (Dana Polk), Chris Hemsworth (Vaughan), Anna Hutchison (Jules London), Fran Kranz (Marty Mikalski), Jesse Williams (Holden McRea), Richard Jenkins (Gary Sitterson), Bradley Whitford (Steve Hadley), Brian White (Daniel Truman), and Amy Acker (Wendy Lin)
Director: Drew Goddard
Fair warning: spoilers ahead, but hey, the movie’s been out since 2011. If you haven’t seen it by now, that’s on you!
Five college students head to a remote cabin for a weekend of fun and helping Dana Polk get over a broken heart, only to find themselves unwitting participants in a ritualistic sacrifice orchestrated by a secret organization to appease ancient gods. Sounds bonkers? Oh, it is!
The Cabin in the Woods is a love letter to horror tropes, stitched together in a plot so crazy it actually works. We’ve got the classic setup: isolated location? Check. Creepy locals? You betcha. Forbidden cellar full of cursed objects? Oh, honey, it’s like the world’s worst antique shop down there!
The movie brilliantly integrates these tropes while winking at the audience. Remember the scene where our heroes split up in the woods? It’s straight out of Friday the 13th, but with a hilarious twist—they’re being manipulated by pheromones, drugs, and rigged props. Let’s not forget the Hellraiser-esque puzzle box that summons… well, you’ll see!
The satire is deliciously on point. The virgin sacrifice trope gets turned on its head—turns out, she doesn’t have to be that pure after all. Dana’s make out session with Holden is all part of the plan! And the whole ancient book of evil bit? It’s a game of horror Mad Libs where Marty reads Latin from a diary and summons a family of pain-worshipping zombies!
Speaking of Marty, his character is a brilliant subversion of the stoner who dies early trope. Not only does he survive much longer than expected, but his paranoia and conspiracy theories turn out to be spot-on. And who can forget his collapsible bong disguised as a coffee mug? Now that’s innovation!
The film’s climax is a veritable horror fan’s dream come true. The elevator scene, where we see all the monsters in their containment cubes, is like the greatest hits of horror villains. From the Ballerina Dentata to the Sugarplum Fairy, it’s a smorgasbord of nightmares that would make Stephen King giddy.
Now, about those characters. They’re subversions of stereotypes forced to become those very stereotypes. But let’s be real, Chris Hemsworth as Curt, the dumb jock, is way more believable than him as a brainy sociology major. Those abs don’t scream “I aced applied ethics”! And his “heroic” motorcycle jump over the ravine is the chef’s kiss of irony.
Let’s not forget the delightfully twisted betting pool run by our behind-the-scenes puppet masters. These pencil-pushers treat gruesome deaths like a fantasy football league, wagering on which monster will emerge victorious. It’s like office politics meets The Hunger Games, with a dash of Vegas thrown in for good measure. The scene where they celebrate the Dana’s “death” is both hilarious and horrifying—talk about toxic workplace culture!
Speaking of our subterranean overlords, the banter between the staff technicians Hadley and Sitterson is a constant source of amusement. Their back-and-forth quips add a layer of mundane absurdity to the cosmic horror unfolding above. Whether they’re discussing the finer points of dismemberment or lamenting the intelligence of their sacrificial lambs, their dialogue keeps the energy up between monster attacks.
The contrast between the banal office environment and the chaos they’re orchestrating is peak dark comedy. It’s like if the DMV were in charge of the apocalypse – complete with casual Fridays and a woefully understocked vending machine. Who knew the end of the world would have so much paperwork?
That said, some of their exchanges do veer into territory that’s almost too Joss Whedon-esque for comfort. Yes, I know he co-wrote the script, but it can be too precious at times. You know the type: quips so quirky and self-aware they threaten to break the fourth wall. It’s like the screenplay is winking so hard it’s in danger of pulling a muscle. But hey, when you’re juggling chainsaws, zombies, and ancient gods, a few eye-roll-inducing one-liners can be forgiven.
One tiny flaw: the characters themselves are about as memorable as yesterday’s lunch. But who cares? The real star here is the premise and how it plays with our beloved horror tropes. Like the brilliant deconstruction of the “harbinger” character, that creepy gas station owner who warns our heroes away. Turns out, he’s just another cog in the machine!
The scariest part of this movie is that the fate of existence rests in the hands of whiny, entitled brats. It’s like putting the future of humanity in the comments section of a controversial YouTube video! The final scene with Dana and Marty deciding the fate of the world with a joint in hand is both hilarious and terrifying.
In conclusion, The Cabin in the Woods isn’t a great horror flick, but it’s a riotous celebration of the genre. From the merman (Hadley finally gets to see it!) to the Ancient Ones (basically us, the bloodthirsty audience), it’s a non-stop roller coaster of horror homages. It may not keep you up at night, but it’ll definitely keep you entertained and make you think twice about pressing any big red buttons you find in underground facilities.
