Island
Pop, 2018
You got me acting like I’ve never done this before
I promise I’ll be ready when I walk through the door
That sound you hear is my legs immediately clamping close – hard – as young Mr Mendes attempts to channel Prince in Nervous, one of the tracks in his third album Shawn Mendes. Is this fellow supposed to be some kind of sexy seducer of womankind? No matter how hard he pays his personal trainer to buff up that body for shirtless photoshoots, that butterface remains and hence, thank you but next.
Oh look, he wants to come to my hotel in Lost in Japan for some rumpy-pumpy. Mind you, it’s not like he even knows me that well, as evidenced by this:
I could feel the tension
We could cut it with a knife
I know it’s more than just a friendship
I can hear you think I’m right, yeah
So, he basically tells me that he knows he wants me, so he’s coming over to my hotel room in Japan for some nether region domo arigato gozaimasu. Thank you, but next.
In Where Were You in the Morning?, his wonky is ready to play, but oh no, my plonky is not there for the plug and play. He wants to know how I can just walk away after that night with him. Honey, has he seen his butterface? Thank you – next.
The whole “I’m straight! I make love to 3,000 women in a week, and they can’t enough of my straight, straight self!” shtick that Mr Mendes keeps going on and on about in the media seems to be spilling over into his music, as the poor thing is determined to make every other song to be about how irresistible he is. Of course, he’s also vulnerable, you know, and he gets hurt when women sneak off when he’s ready for another round.
On the few songs which is just about the music and relationships in a non-contrived way, such as the best track in here Like to Be You, I can almost imagine him letting his guard down and enjoy the act of making music for the sake of it. Just him and his guitar, nobody else. Unfortunately, this is rare. The tracks on Shawn Mendes are actually solidly produced, with some good hooks (Fallin’ All in You, In My Blood) and, unlike his previous outing, he seems to have found songs to present his range and falsetto in ways that are both easy on the ears and showcase the better aspects of his vocals. And then I happen to take note of what he is singing, and the cringe sets in.
Yes, I get it, he is so hot that women throw themselves at him, and he drives them wild with his very straight, totally heterosexual, amazingly vagina-friendly pee-pee, and he wants to love every woman out there like only a hot-blooded straight man could. Someone give him a medal and tell him it’s okay, nobody cares – just go with the flow and stop trying too hard to ruin otherwise solid songs with all that extra cheese and cringe factor.
