Kimani, $6.50, ISBN 978-1-335-21686-1
Contemporary Romance, 2018
Linus Brooks and Paula Starker – two folks with some of the most unfortunate names ever – had a thing once but they broke it off, and now they meet again when their friends are getting married and they are invited to these weddings. The whole thing takes place in some private tropical island, which apparently grows in trees to the point that every Kimani couple has one, and so ooh, romance. Ooh, money, although of course we can’t say that out loud because only whores love money and we certainly aren’t any of that. Ooh, so many hot playboys begging for me to buy their books next, with the author telling me that these boys stick it into every woman that fails to climb up a tree fast enough and that, sisters, is what we all want in a husband. A man whose willy has been inside every woman in our neighborhood and at least nineteen surrounding zip codes. Hot!
If Seductive Memory seems like every freaking Kimani book that arrives at my mailbox every month, well, it is. The same thing, the same characters, the same blah blah blah, the same “Hello, it’s this sequel bait’s turn to chat with our main characters, and when that person is done, here’s another sequel bait coming up in the queue” thing passed off as “plot”, the same issues.
On the bright side, Paula comes off like a reasonably smart heroine with – hallelujah – believable libido, and I like how she acts like it’s normal to lust after a hot man instead of acting like a headless chicken each time she wants some of that cake. Also, the author also cleverly keeps me in the dark about why these two broke up, but there is hardly any suspense to be had when I’m so distracted by the boredom. Nothing else feels unique, different, or interesting in any way. It feels like some random formulaic Kimani romance novels cobbled together, and I can only wonder whether the author was as bored writing this thing as I’m bored reading it.
Where’s the story? The romance? The plot? They are there… somewhere… but everyone’s just walking up to one another to talk, talk, talk. This won’t be so bad if they were being funny, or if they were talking about interesting things like trying to guess which playboy was the source of the STD infecting everyone in this circle of friends. But no, this is one giant chatter party where everyone just wants to talk about how awesome their lives are. Oh darling, you’re so hot! Baby, you’re so radiant now that you’re married! Betcha getting that big thing regularly from your awesome, hot, rich husband! Did I tell you about my own awesome, hot, rich boyfriend too? Oh, look at that awesome, hot, rich fellow who is getting it around town, he’s the BFF of my awesome, hot, rich boyfriend and you must totally get his book too! And there’s that other awesome, hot rich fellow that is the friend of the awesome, rich fellow that is the BFF of my awesome, hot, rich boyfriend and they are all totally awesome, hot, rich and – hey, where are you going and watch that cliff…
Cantankerous muffin who loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, chocolates, and fantastical stories.