Main cast: Frayne Rosanoff (John Cooper), William Zabka (Deputy Greg Larston), Dana Barron (Kristin), Sara Mornell (Theresa), Wil Wheaton (Tommy), Chris Owens (Brian Cooper), Sean Whalen (Deputy Lewis Ross), Gary Grubbs (Sheriff Griffin Wade), Theo Pagones (Dootsen), Scott Williamson (Kenny Summers), David Bowe (Boone), Keith Coogan (Lenny), John Franklin (Floyd Fuller), Casper Van Dien (NSA Special Agent Bart Parker), and Robert Englund (Dr Anton Rudolph)
Director: Richard Clabaugh
Oh, Python, what a glorious train wreck of a monster movie. On the surface, it’s your run-of-the-mill, low-budget creature feature—bad CGI, absurd plotlines, and characters who couldn’t spot a giant snake if it were coiled around their necks. But dig a little deeper, and you’ll find… well, not much more, but at least a lot of recognizable names. Seriously, this cast has more star power than a Syfy lineup during Shark Week.
You’ve got Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund, looking like he’s having the time of his life spouting exposition as Dr Anton Rudolph, the mad scientist responsible for creating this danger noodle of doom. Then there’s Casper Van Dien, who still has that Starship Troopers shine despite clearly wondering how his agent got him here. William “Sweep the Leg” Zabka shows up before his Cobra Kai renaissance, Wil Wheaton gets the most satisfying comeuppance you could ask for, and Jenny McCarthy pops in to prove that, yes, even a killer python is more believable than her vaccine theories.
The plot? Oh, it’s about as airtight as the crate used to transport the titular python—ie not at all. This genetically engineered super-snake is faster than a speeding bullet, impervious to conventional weapons, and apparently spits acid, but they decided a wooden box was sufficient containment. Shockingly (read: not at all), the snake escapes, crashes its transport plane, and slithers its way to Ruby, a small town filled with people who lack peripheral vision and survival instincts.
The snake’s first victims are a canoodling couple, in classic monster movie tradition. But it’s not just the snake’s bad CGI that’s laughable—it’s the fact that this 120-foot monstrosity somehow sneaks up on its victims like a scaly ninja. Watching Wil Wheaton’s character get chomped is especially satisfying, though you wonder how he didn’t hear the world’s least subtle predator closing in.
Our heroes? There’s John, who exists mostly to flex shirtless, and his girlfriend Kristin, caught in a love triangle with her ex-boyfriend, Deputy Sheriff Dudebro. They’re joined by friends Tommy and Theresa, who are basically there to pad the body count. The acting is surprisingly competent for a movie of this caliber, though Frayne Rosanoff as John seems to have been hired solely for his abs. Robert Englund chews the scenery with gusto, while Casper Van Dien looks… very short? Seriously, did they cast him opposite giants, or is he standing in a trench?
The real star, of course, is the python itself. Or rather, the laughably bad CGI version of it. Whether it’s hiding in a room the size of a shoebox or moving like it’s animated in Microsoft Paint, the snake is the gift that keeps on giving. The filmmakers don’t seem aware of how ridiculous it all is, which only adds to the fun.
And yet, despite its many (many!) flaws, Python is entertaining. It’s not good by any stretch, but it’s bad in all the right ways. Between the cringe-worthy dialogue, the absurd plot twists, and the unintentional comedy of it all, you’ll find yourself laughing more than screaming. It’s not high art, but it’s a good time—provided you don’t have an aversion to bad CGI or bad decisions.
So, should you watch Python? If you’re in the mood for some hiss-terical fun and don’t mind movies that are more scales than substance, slither on over and give it a try. Just don’t expect it to snake its way into your list of favorites.
