Lovespell, $5.99, ISBN 0-505-52344-2
Contemporary Romance, 1999

Time of my life? Prince Charming? Kiss my sexy bum.

When Josephine Evans, the “princess” in question, first meets her Prince Charming, Cole Dumanski, she has backed into his pickup. He calls her all sorts of offensive names and spits at her feet twice and once out the window, barely missing her face. He hears her sad story – she’s a librarian who has inherited a bankruptcy from her aunt and is now penniless – and hence hires her as a cook on his tugboat. She can’t cook. And I’m supposed to laugh.

Cole darling, you may be wronged by a socialite woman in the past, but that isn’t a good excuse to degenerate into white trash. Spitting at the woman and cussing the F word left and right does not Prince Charming make. Sleeping with a woman who expects commitment when you’re not willing to do so, and wallowing in self-pity even towards the late stage of the story over the fact that a useless socialite hag dumped you – what? It’s been really awhile and you should just bloody well get over it! – and just because you try to have sex with that evil Other Woman near the ending and can’t get your choo-choo to heat up does not mean you’re in love with the heroine. Prince Charming… gag. I won’t even let you kiss my foot if you beg me. And thunk! That’s for the sexist insults at Josephine and this – smash! – is for encouraging your equally obnoxious white trash crew to treat Josephine like a meat in the market for their pawing and snide remarks.

Josephine, I don’t know which hole you came from, really. This woman is snow white pure. Really! She has no idea what booty means – she looks at her shoes when the white trash people catcalled Great booty. She hasn’t watched television in years and is totally oblivious to many cuss words. And she’s a librarian? Obviously she hasn’t been reading the books in her workplace. Josephine’s purity, for the want of a kind description of her state of intelligence, is emphasized every other page. She can’t cook, can’t decipher recipe books, can’t do anything but to cling on to Cole and get all aroused each time he treats her like a slab of cold meat. Josephine’s intelligence is highly lauded by Cole. What intelligence? Then again, considering Cole’s state of mind, I’m sure Josephine must look like Einstein to this third-rate Homer Simpson.

Prince Charming? Well, I’m sure Josephine will get orgasm if Cole calls her cheap meat. She can have that loser, as long as those two stay far, far, far away from me.