Main cast: Klaus Kinski (Kurt Hoffman), Belinda Bauer (Veronica Hoffman), Steve Shellen (Eric Dunlap), Ron Lee (Geoffrey Butler), and Page Fletcher (The Hitchhiker)
Director: David Wickes
Stephen Shellen won’t be a household name anytime soon, but if there were ever a Valhalla for D-list male actors whose rear end valiantly came to the rescue of a dire show, he would have a seat reserved for those beautiful buttocks of his. Okay, they aren’t that impressive, but they are pretty enough, and he bares them so often here that “Stephen Shellan’s ass” is the only reason to watch this episode. Seriously, he bares far more than his co-star Belinda Bauer in their soft porn scenes.
Mr Shellen plays Eric Dunlap, an earnest engineer who is building the best sound system ever for megalomaniac maestro Kurt Hoffman’s home. There is an odd problem, though: the sound system he has set up will only respond to him. Every time he shows it off to Kurt, the system denies the asshole access. This issue forces Eric to stay at the Hoffman mansion to troubleshoot a little longer, and eventually he falls into an affair with Kurt’s neglected wife Veronica. They plan to run away together, but the thing is, the sound system is so good that Kurt inevitably hears them loud and clear when those two stupidly sneak off to the boathouse to boink while the man is in the mansion.
The horror elements of Lovesounds emerge only in the final literal minutes of the episode, and it’s only horrifying in just how much bad science has gone into the denouement. Klaus Kinski is appropriate distasteful and despicable as the cruel and selfish Kurt, but really now, he is completely upstaged by the buttocks of gold that keep coming up at lovely instances. There is a scene of unintentional hilarity when bare-assed Eric still insists on holding a towel over the front of his crotch even when faced with certain death, but I suppose one has to exercise a minimal amount of modesty even then.
Three oogies for the scenery, and yes, I’m so easy like that. By now it’s pretty apparent that this series is all about softcore flesh scenes, so it’s not like I have any higher standards to hold this show to. A hot man’s bare ass is always good, so this episode is certainly good enough.
