Main cast: Leif Garrett (Dr Jack Miner), Valerie Wildman (Jane Miner), and Nick Ramus (Saspondo)
Director: Christopher Todd
In Half as Old as Time, the old archaeologist Dr Jack Miner meets his estranged daughter Jane in her shack in the middle of the desert. Hmm, I’m pretty sure this show has used this set a few times before.
Initially hostile, Jane softens when she learns that her father is dying of a brain tumor. He seeks her out because he wants to seek out a mythical fountain of youth that can help him stay alive and make him young again. Despite her skepticism about the whole thing, she decides to help him. He is, after all, still her father.
Hilariously, they discover this fountain simply by pushing open a rock blocking a cave in the next scene. Boy, if only hidden treasures were this easy to locate in real life; I’d have taken up tomb raiding a lot time ago, be super wealthy in a few years, and live the rest of my life in decadent leisure.
Anyway, back to this show… what will Jack find in the end, and will he be happy with the discovery?
Well, I find only tedium and boredom, as the episode slows to a crawl right after these two discover the fountain. What follow are needlessly long-winded and boring exposition interspersed with Leif Garrett chewing scenery in such an cringe-blasted crazy chipmunk way that I’m sure he would have left teeth marks on the cave walls if it was a real cave in the first place.
Also, the people here can’t seem to run. Jane can’t run when it’s clear that the conversation is about her on the sacrificial slab, she can’t even fight off a dying old man. Meanwhile, Jack can’t run when he’s young again to get away from a fate worse than death. Seriously, all these people seem to do is to stand around in a cave and talk and talk and talk.
Did these people ran out of script halfway and had to improvise in such a boring manner?
At any rate, this episode does feel like it takes forever to come to an end. Perhaps the title of the episode is a warning that people should pay heed to before making the fatal decision to watch this thing.
