Main cast: Geordie Bryn Francombe (Ethan), Parker Chapin (Aiden), Andrew Farmer (Owen), Dylan Gage Moore (Gabe), Amy Parrish (Heather), Amanda Troop (Emily), Aaron Quick Nelson (Detective Smith), and Melissa Joan Hart (Ethan’s Mom)
Director: Bobcat Goldthwait
Ethan is an annoying, precocious self-professed nerd who looks down on everyone while complaining that nobody likes him. Well, yeah, been there, got the T-shirt. His mother has invited his entire class over for a sleepover, much to his chagrin, and worse, the three kids who accepted her invitation are, in Ethan’s estimation, totally weirdos. There’s the hypochondriac Owen, Aiden that sent a pic of his wiener to the principal, and I can’t catch what Gabe’s “mental issue” is because the kid that plays Ethan has a serious problem with speaking clearly. Seriously, half the time I can’t catch what Geordie Bryn Francombe is saying here even after several repeats of the scene and me pressing my ear close to the screen.
Because this is an episode in a “paranormal” anthology, there are some unusual happenings later that evening.
Goatman Cometh must be Bobcat Goldthwait’s effort to prove that he can do Goosebumps! too, only with Simple Things as icing on the cake, but sadly, I don’t think anyone from the latter show will fear for their jobs anytime soon. The kids here talk way too obviously like fifty-something adults trying way too hard to sound like wisecracking teens. Nothing here feels natural or organic, and I can never forget even for a second how these kids are channeling Mt Goldthwait in his grandkids’ clothes going all, “How do you do, fellow kids?” These kids alternative between grown-ups speaking in squeaky voices and babies behaving far too younger than they look, often within a single act, and the whole thing is pure cringe to watch. The acting, the direction, the conversations – these are just simply milk-curdling dreadful.
If I cringed this much just from understanding only a third or so of what young Mr Francombe is saying here, I can only imagine why reaction should I be able to understand everything he says. Maybe I’d end up in a coma.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go make myself a drink. I deserve one after surviving this dreadful waste of time.
