Main cast: Gemma Chan (Sersi), Richard Madden (Ikaris), Kumail Nanjiani (Kingo), Lia McHugh (Sprite), Brian Tyree Henry (Phastos), Lauren Ridloff (Makkari), Barry Keoghan (Druig), Don Lee (Gilgamesh), Harish Patel (Karun), Bill Skarsgård (Kro), Kit Harington (Dane Whitman), Salma Hayek (Ajak), and Angelina Jolie (Thena)
Director: Chloé Zhao
Eternals is a movie that makes me wonder what Disney thinks it is doing. It attempts to introduce—count them—11 new characters in a single movie, although the number is trimmed considerably by the end of this thing. It then features a director that, probably because she is Asian and trending at that time, is recruited to be the face of the behind the scenes stuff until, oops, we realize that she is a persona non grata in the People’s Republic of Hundred Acre Wood, and I doubt this movie will ever be shown there to bring enlightenment to the people of that place.
Disney also believes that it is American and powerful enough to impress upon less tolerant countries its diversity and gay quota that is presented like a checklist all ticked up here. Brian Tyree Henry’s Phastos is gay and black, thus giving a two-in-one without necessitating the splurging of the budget on another actor. Oh dear, who would’ve thought certain countries would quickly ban this film?
Seriously, all the pre-movie release publicity of this thing that I’d come across was all about how woke and inclusive the cast is, which as history has shown is a red flag that the movie itself has nothing else for the marketing department to hype up. Oh, that and Kumail Nanjiani went on a diet of chicken and broccoli as well as tren training every day to achieve his body, like I’m supposed to be impressed that a Hollywood actor has a nice physique.
Thus, this movie is either evidence that Disney doesn’t make all the MCU movies by committee and also doesn’t care if they would lose out on the Pooh House money, or they are just a bunch of incompetent morons believing that the MCU brand alone will automatically bring in a billion dollars for each half-defecated movie.
Oh yes, the Eternals. They are a bunch of beings with super powers that are somehow different from the X-Men despite each of them having unique powers like super speed and such. They are charged to protect humans from their enemies called the Deviants, and believing that they have eliminated the last of those Deviants in 1521, they all drifted apart since then, with some of them showing up in HBO’s Game of Thrones to kill the time. If you are wondering what these godly protectors of mankind were doing when Thanos was the hottest meme in town, well, who cares. Consoom, don’t ask, okay.
Oops, a Deviant is still alive, and this thing, Kro, tries to attack the designated hot sweetheart of the bunch, Sersi—no, this one has nothing to do with Game of Thrones, people, it really doesn’t–and this causes a few of them here to come together and realize that they need to do that Avengers thing. Eternals, assemble! Oh wait, that isn’t a meme-worthy alliteration. How about “Eternals, evacuate!”?
Only theirs will be more elite and exclusive because they are now the Eternals, y’all, plus half the Avengers are now dead or retired because ugh, they were white men, and the Eternals are going to show everyone how inclusiveness, diversity, and the power of tokenization will save the universe from… oops, Salma Hayek’s character is dead? Boy, they really went over the budget to pay Angelina Jolie, I guess? Never mind, we still have… wait, another Eternal of Color bites the dust? Don’t worry people, we still have the gay one, so don’t cancel the MCU yet!
I hope I hadn’t made the movie seem too exciting with my synopsis, because it really isn’t. It pains me to say this, because this is the first MCU film in ages that doesn’t follow an obvious formula and even dares to include some elements like sexy times that are a no-no in other MCU movies, but this thing is still not good.
Eternals is a superhero movie directed by someone that seems to have no clue how to do one properly: the pacing is painfully slow, and these characters spend more time babbling about feels and other soap opera elements. Well, some characters anyway, because most of the characters here are just props for the diversity checklist.
The main focus is on the awfully tepid love triangle of Sersi, Jon Snow, and Robb Stark, complete with our sweetheart torn between the bad boy and the nicer one and I find all of them too boring for words. This lack of care on my part is also because the movie tries to do way too many things within its running time and still flails at each and every one of them. The action scenes show up like awkward filler moments between dreary brooding and moody stares, and these scenes are meh. The scenes of brooding and moody stares are slow and boring because these characters have very little personality due to there being way too many characters in this one and not many opportunities to flesh them out.
As a result of all this, the movie feels even draggier and longer than its actual nearly three hours runtime. The pacing is glacial, most of the cast just look awkward like they are all being squeezed together onto a tiny stage and are trying not to fall off, the costumes look cheap and the Eternals here look nowhere close to their comic counterparts, and the action scenes are meh. This is the perfect “Who cares?” entry into the MCU.
At least the comparable Netflix series back in the old days, Inhumans, has its moments of unintentional hilarity while this one takes itself way too seriously to its own detriment. It’s basically a low-tier Game of Thrones self-insert fanfiction given a budget MCU gloss, but no one passed that memo to everyone involved in this thing.
