Main cast: Brandy Mason (Meg), Scott Gillespie (Luke, The Creature), Ayse Howard (Alex), Brittany Blanton (Jane), Roman Jossart (Mac), Hannah Herdt (Parker), Nadia White (Lacey), Brian Cornell (Conor), Deryk Wehrley (Jason), Kayla Morgan (Ash), Joe Vollman (The Park Volunteer), Chris J Neal (The Customer), Kevin Hamburger (Mark), and Savannah Howard (The Video Store Thief)
Director: Shawn Burkett
Shawn Burkett, who wrote the screenplay as well as directed Don’t Fuck in the Woods, clearly wants this movie to be some edgy, playful homage to those slasher movies from the 1980s.
The title of the movie is literal: there is a creature in some woods that will attack people that are having sex, drawn to them by what I’d imagine is either the, uh fragrance and sounds produced by such act.
The monster is straight out of the fellow in Predator… had the movie had a budget that is more than a few hundred dollars, that is.
This movie does everything it can with its limited budget. Many scenes are shot inside a camping tent, no doubt to hide the fact that they likely didn’t have the funds to film at a proper location over a longer period of time.
There are also the ever popular close up shots for the same purpose, which is unfortunate as the cast members all resemble people that had been randomly picked out from the queue of folks turned away at an audition for an adult films. I read that Nadia White is an adult film actress. I have nothing against pornography and the people that act in them, of course, but honestly, that tidbit is merely a confirmation of the actual acting caliber of the cast members.
Now, there is plenty of female nudity, full frontal galore and an occasional view of the pearly gates too, for guys that dig the porn starlet aesthetic, but sadly for those that are more into guys, the guys in question are overweight and one can find doppelgangers of them all over on an average trip into the local supermarket. Folks that prefer not to look at the latter may want to skip this movie because the bulk of it is made up simulated sex scenes involving people that may not be aesthetically pleasing to most!
I don’t talk much about the story because it’s pretty basic and threadbare, and, judging from this movie, Mr Burkett tries very hard to distract people with filler soft core naughty scenes. Unfortunately, better looking people are expensive, so with the budget he had to work with, the movie is more of a soft sore than soft core.
Change the words “in the woods” in the title to “with this thing” and one would get the perfect and succinct description of the quality of this thing.
