Main cast: Heidi Noelle Lenhart (Mia), Chuck Walczak (Zach), Jon Sklaroff (Sol), Darryl Theirse (Max), David Valcin (Justin), James Parks (Squid), and Martin Kove (Roland)
Director: Gary Jones

Sequels in general are expected to be less entertaining than the original, but Crocodile 2: Death Swamp takes an already laughably bad movie and makes a sequel out of it the same way an incident of an overflowing blocked toilet needs a repeat. This movie is not even a little enjoyable because it is just so, so, so, so awful.

Mia and a group of people are taken hostage by some bad guys and they then proceed to blunder their way through a swamp where a giant hungry rubber crocodile awaits their arrival. Meanwhile, Mia’s boyfriend Zach gets the roguish helicopter guy Roland to help him look for Mia. The crocodile then comes out and eats nearly everybody in this movie. Normally I would cheer the death of a bunch of imbeciles who can’t save themselves out of an airbag, but this crocodile isn’t even scary. It’s very obviously a bad special effect creation and there’s no amount of Karo syrup dripping from its plastic jaws that can stop me from laughing at how atrocious it comes off as.

The acting is horrendous. Martin Kove gets to pull a few punches here and there as the only actor who can speak outside a monotone, but he’s surrounded by a cast who needs to have some talent beaten to them hard with an ugly stick.

This movie is scare-free, suspense-free, cheaply put together, badly acted, devoid of campy elements, and oh, free from T&A too if you like that sort of thing. The only thing that gets naked here is a rubber crocodile.

Still, there is one thing amusing about this movie. Just what is up with that bad guy’s shirt, where it is artfully ripped to frame his right nipple like some third eye on his chest?