Main cast: Nia Vardalos (Connie), Toni Collette (Carla), David Duchovny (Jeff), Stephen Spinella (Robert/Peaches), Alec Mapa (Lee/N’Cream), and Christopher Logan (Brian/Brianna)
Director: Michael Lembeck

To: Nia Vardalos (diebabs@realdiva.com)
From: Michael Lembeck (divalackey@submissiv.tv)
Your majesty, the plan is in motion. As per your plan to crush Babs Streisand’s dominion, we have started Project Connie and Carla. The Board is sure that the plan is fool-proof. Two silly women on the run from the mob pretending to be drag queens will definitely attract the gay audience away from Babs’s latest Vegas concert. Rights to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s music are secured. Jorge suggests that we get Toni Collette to play Carla. Since she appeared in Muriel’s Wedding, Those People love her and she’ll get their butts filling the theatre.

To: Nia Vardalos
From: Michael Lembeck
Your majesty, David Duchovny likes gay people. He actually seems too fond of them sometimes, in that Comfortable Straight Man Assured of His Sexuality manner, so are you sure that he’s a good choice to play your love interest and a bigoted brother of the gay man buddy of yours? I know we need to make a love interest so that he will tell you how beautiful you are and how gorgeous you are (and may I assure you that you are indeed as beautiful as you claim you are), but how about someone more convincing in the role?

To: Nia Vardalos
From: Michael Lembeck
Your highness, David Duchovny will play Jeff as you insisted. We have a problem. The script can’t stretch up to the minimum 90 minute length. I humbly await your wise decision.

To: Nia Vardalos
From: Michael Lembeck
As your majesty suggested, we have increased the number of songs to pad the movie to the required length. So what if Jorge said that the script feels padded? We have cabaret music, Broadway musicals, and even Babs. The gays will love this. We have a winner.

To: Nia Vardalos
From: Michael Lembeck
I deeply regret that Toni Collette is more beautiful than you. Our make-up department has been ordered to make her look really like a drag queen, unlike you, whom the audience will see at once a lovely real-bodied woman who deserves to be adored and called beautiful until the end of time. I have also “suggested” to her to speak in a manly voice so that she will really come off as a woman pretending to be a drag queen. You will never be outshined by her talent, comedic timing, or her ability to play a role convincingly, not that I’m saying your majesty aren’t better than she is. You are – that’s why you’re the star!

To: Nia Vardalos
From: Michael Lembeck
Don’t worry. So what if this movie bombed? You’re still a star, your majesty! Chins up and show them you are still the best. I’m sure your next movie about how wonderful and amazing you are will knock them dead! By the way, attached is my resignation letter. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve been approached by Babs and I10101110100011111

(Crash – a PC is flung out of the window.)