Main cast: John O’Hara (Big Ronnie), Rachel Lagen (Savanna Dane), Bobby Westrick (Hunter Fidelis), Antwoine Steele (Dion Livingston), Dilynn Fawn Harvey (Bambi Fawn Taylor), Sierra Stodden (Rachel Carpenter), Jeremy Todd (Chris Rice), Millie Milan (Molly Moore), Douglas Epps (Nic Stone), Nate Karny Cole (Chuckles), Cayt Feinics (Satchel), Jeffery White (Shrinky Dink), Eric Danger Dionne (Boppo), Micah Dillinger (Wizzo), Jeanne Silver (Autumn Moonspell), and Joel D Wynkoop (Memphis Hawk)
Director: Todd Sheets
Don’t be fooled by the names of Linnea Quigley, Eileen Dietz, and Joel D Wynkoop on the movie poster: these people show up for just a fraction of the overall movie runtime. In scream queen Ms Quiggley’s case, she is in here for less than ten minutes. Clownado is peopled mostly by a cast of barely-known and probably never-will-be-famous actors, so folks should adjust their priorities and expectations accordingly. Oh, and no, there are no clowns spinning around in tornadoes like a certain shark movie, although the clowns here are basically the spawn of Pennywise and those ogres in The Hills Have Eyes: they are brutal.
Anyway, the whole thing begins when Savanna Dane decides that it’s time she ditches her crime boss-cum-circus ringleader Big Ronnie and run away with her lover Cash. Oh, and with her husband’s money, of course. They are caught making out by the man himself, however, and Cash is quickly killed, via a shot in the forehead by Savanna, whose hand is forced by Ronnie. In retaliation, Savanna later has the local witch Autumn cast a curse on her husband. However, what happens is that Ronnie and his brutal thugs are turned into supernatural psychopaths that can now travel around in the form of a tornado. Soon, they are hot on Savanna’s tail as she flees the neighborhood.
As it happens, Savanna eventually stops at a diner, a place where our other lead characters are also gathered. a now-sober fellow, an Elvis impersonator whom he picked up earlier, a recently-fired stripper for whom the two men stepped in to help when she was harassed by a client, and a young girl that is seeking help because she is being stalked by some weird guy. The evil clowns show up and start killing the patrons and the staff of the diner, and our foursome manage to escape while Savanna… well, watch the movie to find out because I’m not spoiling that, heh. The four are soon joined by two storm chasers and together, they hatch a desperate plan to be rid of the clown tornado once and for all.
Clownado is at first a sheer delight. It is horrifyingly gory, with a focus on practical effects instead of always-crappy CGI. Mind you, the latter is also present, especially towards the later parts of the movie—probably because these folks are running out of money and could only coerce someone’s kid to use a pirated version of whatever software they use to do crappy CGIs. Still, the early parts of the movie have people being disemboweled, their faces ripped open, and more, and I am thrilled. I haven’t seen this much joyous carnage since, oh, Hatchet and Feast, and I’m like Colonel Sanders in a chicken coop armed with a butcher’s knife.
Unfortunately, I soon begin to notice that the same props are used in almost freaking scene, to the point that each time someone gets disemboweled, I’m pretty sure that’s the same fake intestines these people are using over and over.
For the first half an hour, I am thrilled. Then, my excitement begins to wane until, eventually, I just can’t wait for the movie to end and I can move on with my life. The problem here is that the death scenes soon become repetitive and boring. Because there are so many of such scenes thrown at me non-stop, I soon become numbed to the whole thing. Alas, there is nothing else in this movie to keep me interested. The characters are all boring and one-note, and they all talk like country bumpkin versions of Joss Whedon’s characters. Even the big bad guy is more of a nothing burger; I feel that Todd Sheets wants the gore to be the main push for this movie to reach the finish line, but unfortunately, the gore here is practically the same scene done again and again with only minor variation.
Perhaps this movie should have been only half its current length, with the focus more tightly done on the either the ragtag team or on Savanna versus Big Ronnie. That way, the movie can build up its momentum and ends on a high note, before it loses steam and becomes bogged down by unimaginative and repetitive filler scenes of boring gore.
This movie does have a very catchy song playing during the credits, though. That’s the best part of the whole movie, if you ask me!
