Sophie Sparks, $0.00, ISBN 978-1005292683
Contemporary Romance, 2022
I don’t normally review freebies, but since I’ve reviewed all the subsequent entries to date in Sophie Sparks’s Firefighters with Hearts series, I figure I may as well be a completionist and review the first title in the series too. Caesar is at the time of writing is free, serving as a teaser to lure folks that like it into checking out the rest of the series as well.
Since I didn’t pay a cent for this thing, I have therefore no obligation to force myself to finish it. If the author had anyone here massacring songs of Whitney Houston in yet another godawful cringe and cheese overflow, I’m going to bail before blood begins gushing from every orifice in my head.
Caesar kicks off a series all about firemen and their fat chick girlfriends their utmost support of and respect for the body positivity movement, which, by the way, only applies to women as far as the romance genre is concerned. Fat men can still GTFO, no self-respecting woman will want anything to do with these losers and they should just give up and die alone.
Gemma still has some PTSD from being in a fire, as well as survivor’s guilt for surviving the fire. It makes me wonder whether it’d be wise for her to hook up with a fireman then, as she’d be reminded of fires all the time.
Meanwhile, the new fire hose in town, Caesar, is burning out from not being able to save everybody and anybody. I wonder whether he should just get a new job.
Ah, why worry. We all know that in romance novels, all psychological traumas miraculously vanish the moment penis meets vagina, so it’s a good thing that these two hook up and have their happily ever after.
I’m sure you can tell from my tone how much I believe in these two having a happily ever after. While romance stories require some considerable suspension of disbelief to go with the fantasy, the accelerated rate at which these characters go from angst-dumping to hot-humping is too abrupt for me to buy. There’s fairy tale and then there’s this, which is more like a leg pull.
Still, the narrative style is fine, although the author dips into overwrought sentimentality and melodramatic speeches too often for my liking.
“I’m sorry to shout, Gem. But honestly, sometimes I could take that stupid head of yours and smack it against a wall. I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself. You’re smart, beautiful and you have a heart the size of bloody Everest. You were lucky that day. Maybe that means you’re meant to be here.”
Seriously? Am I supposed to be touched by that? I’m actually a bit worried about the violent undertones present in that speech.
Oh don’t worry, a woman says that, and we all know that women can’t hurt even a fly. They are full of Care Bear hormones, after all!
Also, I’m really warming up to the lack of characters screeching out songs, and perhaps things won’t be so bad…
Hey, sweetie. Don’t worry, everything is fine. But don’t come home in your sexy uniform, okay? Mum and Dad are coming for dinner. I know it’s our sex-aversary, but I’ll make it up to you later. And play nicely with my dad! I love you millions and gazillions. Yours always, Gem. XX
What the…?
Okay, princess. I’ll hold you to that! Don’t forget its Dill’s leaving party thing in a few minutes. We’re having a small get together in the Red Lion pub. And don’t worry about your dad. I’ll be on my best behaviour. Hope he doesn’t bring a gun. XX
Where’s my phone? I’m starting to hyperventilate. I need to call my pharmacist ASAP.
I can’t guarantee that, hubby. But I’ll stand in the line of fire and take a bullet for your sexy little ass. XX
Too late. I’m dead.
Admittedly, the author is delivering a wholesome kind of cringe, and were I less jaded, I may actually find all that cute. As it is, the author could have sent me into anaphylaxis.
Someone please tell the author that her ability to unleash such devastating cringe is a superpower that needs to be wielded responsibly!
