Main cast: Raymond Vinsik Williams (Kirk Williamson), Mia ScozzaFave (Rebecca Romaine), Brinke Stevens (Dr Charlene Brinkman), Maria Olsen (Momma Maria), Thom Mulligan (Dr Juke Westwind), Vida Ghaffari (Dr Elaine Ripley), Sheri Davis (Sheri), and Scott Butler (Officer Burns)
Director: Dustin Ferguson
Apex Predators calling itself that is like a dating app profile boasting that the man in question has a twelve-inch pee-pee. Everyone knows he doesn’t have one, and the ruse is up the moment he has to take off his pants, so what possesses that fellow to make such a claim in the first place? Just like Mr Twelve-Inch Dong, this movie is so cheaply made that it must have known that it can’t deliver on the shark kills. I don’t know what the budget of this Asylum-tier movie is, but I’d be amazed if it cost anything in the high five digits. The lighting is off, the appearance of the cast screams “people that are dragged in from the downtown drinking hole to film this for cheap”, and the shark is a small little thing that looks like it’d have a hard time gnawing through a table leg—the “twelve-inch penis” of this movie, alright.
The plot is something about sharks killing people, the usual, but I’m hard pressed to remember the details because I am staring at the screen in stunned bewilderment from start to finish, my fingers itching to switch off the screen because I recoil at the idea of even watching this ghastly thing for more than five minutes in one sitting.
There is nothing happening in this movie. The first five minutes of this movie is the perfect representation of the entire thing, as I am treated to boring scenes of two divers doing their thing, interspersed with stock footage underwater scenes, until a shark lazily swims into the scene and then I’m supposed to be scared out of my wits. The whole scene is an anticlimactic, disjointed slough, no doubt because it’s hard to create suspense when nearly all the footage used in that scene is stock footage and the music used is a generic, forgettable thing no doubt obtained for free or for super cheap.
The bulk of this movie is made up of scenes of people talking or looking bored, with stock footage spliced between. While there is some nudity, I’m afraid I have to report that the scenery in this movie is… well, let me just say that if we rope in random people from the street to a barbecue party or something, the guests will look exactly like the cast here. Some will be balding, others will be out of shape, some will have unfortunate tattoos, and none of them will be mistaken for Hollywood folks, no matter how much alcohol or drugs are served at the party. Unlike the cast of this movie, however, the party guests will likely talk and act in ways that resemble human beings.
In the end, I can only wonder why Apex Predators is even made in the first place. They can’t even afford an actual shark attack scene… in a movie about shark attacks! So much of the movie is made up of poorly-lit scenes of ordinary-looking to just plain fug people clumsily mouthing their lines in a room. Do the people behind this thing expect the audience to be entertained by this? Sure, there are many reasons to make such a movie—money laundering, having promised the person you are boinking that you will make them the star of your movie, gun pointed at the head, too much cocaine, dementia, et cetera—but surely there is no acceptable reason to subject the audience to such a painful affront of all five senses, is there?
Seriously, there is no reason why anyone wants to watch this thing, aside from morbid curiosity. Even then, it’s likely far more pleasant to just stick one’s finger into the rear end of a horse and wait for the kick in the head.
