Main cast: Nita Lei (Gong Lan Lan), Terence Yin (Jeff), Wang Xingchen (Ali), Ken Lok Tat-Wah (Zhang Tianshi), Wang Zirun (Jia Peng), Xu Shao-Hang (Gold Liang), Jiu Kong (Circus Boss), and Paul Che Biu-law (Captain Sarai)
Directors: Xiang Hesheng and Xiang Qiuliang
Believe it or not, this Anaconda is an actual official entry in the Anaconda movie franchise, despite it being done by folks in China. Well, at least that’s what I’m told, so don’t blame me this turns out to be untrue—I’m just misled, clearly.
I probably shouldn’t be surprised, though. China makes more monster snake movies every year than a puppy with diarrhea poops, and most of the movies are made from fecal material anyway, and the Anaconda movies after the second one are fecal materials, so yes, China and this franchise are fated to be entwined.
This is also a loose reboot of the first Anaconda movie, and in a way, I can see it, as Gong Lan Lan is clearly meant to be a rehash of the final girl played by Jennifer Lopez the first time around, while Jeff is meant to be that of the nasty anaconda hunter played by Jon Voight. Really, though, how am I supposed to take a villain called Jeff seriously?
The opening scene demonstrates that this movie has no understanding or patience for subtlety. The perpetually smirking and snarling Jeff stabs his guide in the throat when the man dares to ask for more money after having escorted Jeff and his buddies to a snake-infested area of the jungles in which the Crimson Anaconda lairs. That’s right, the C and the A are in capital letters, because this thing is special.
Anyway, the snake in question makes short work of Jeff’s buddies, and he actually gloats upon seeing their demise, as if the sight of their deaths secretly arouses him or something. Then again, maybe it does.
Meanwhile, a traveling circus is passing by when their ship gets attacked by hungry snakes while passing through. The captain disappears, having been eaten but the rest of the folks aren’t aware of that yet, and with no one else knowing how to get the ship running, they find themselves accepting the offer of Jeff, who promises to help them get off this scary and dangerous place once they help him locate his boat.
Of course, Jeff is more interested in using them as snake bait…
Folks that have the misfortune to binge watch Chinese monster snake movies will be familiar with the cast of characters: the kindhearted damsel, the fat guy, the kid, the old man, the asshole that will turn traitor, et cetera. However, the standard army man hero this time around is replaced by the feisty final girl, Lan Lan, who performs the role of the action heroine very well here.
The almost anomalous presence of a lead action heroine here is also a plus, because were there to be an action hero, then the main female character will be the useless cold bitch type that will eventually warm up to the hero after he rescues her for the hundredth time, and I always have no patience for that kind of character!
Sure, I don’t expect much from the story, so I am not disappointed by how little here that is fleshed out or even makes sense. I mean, am I supposed to believe that anacondas are basically anywhere and everywhere in the world now?
However, the whole thing is actually far more entertaining than it has the right to be, thanks to Nita Lei’s solid performance as the kick-ass heroine and Terence Yin’s absurdly over the top portrayal of the eviler-than-evil villain. The rest of the characters are stereotypes, but they are not too annoying or intrusive so they are alright.
The snake CGIs aren’t too bad here, suggesting that maybe the budget for this one is a bit more than the usual snake monster crap pooped out from the gaping rear end of China—well, that or the CGI people are more capable than the average ones enlisted to the task by the CCP.
Yes, some scenes are blatantly ripped out of the first movie, but then again, that’s China for you.
All in all, this one won’t be the movie of the year anytime soon, but it’s easily the best Anaconda movie in a long, long time—yes, the bar is set low indeed, but still. It’s definitely not a bad pick if one is in the mood of a trashy, no-brainer monster snake movie!
