Brienne Dubh, $2.99, ISBN 978-1548444648
Contemporary Erotica, 2016
Here’s a tip: if you are a non-Kindle rebel like me and you have to choose between downloading the PDF or EPUB file of Brienne Dubh’s A Strange Affair from your place of purchase, go for the EPUB. I download the PDF version and all the sentences are superimposed and I couldn’t make out much of what is on every page. The EPUB file, however, is perfectly legible.
Arrogant prick, she thought. Arrogant sexy annoying prick! He knew what he was doing and it wasn’t fair of him to continue flirting with her. They wanted different things, and that made him off limits.
Well, that’s one way of telling me on the first page itself that I am not going to find an emotionally mature heroine here.
Ellie McOohIJustCan’t and Aaron McSexyAnnoyingPrick have it bad for another but they just can’t, or at least, she just won’t. Then alcohol comes into the picture. Lots of foot stomping and here-kissy-kissy hissing follow, making me wonder whether I’m reading an adult version of a Bugs Bunny versus Daffy Duck special. Then, it happens.
Aaron pushed inside her and they groaned out loud. He was so big and it had been a while since she had been with anyone, it was a tight fit. They stayed like that for several seconds as she got used to his size, welcoming him into her body. He started with long slow strokes into her, pulling almost all the way out before gently easing back in and driving her crazy. But when she bit down on his shoulder and raked her nails along his back, something inside him snapped and he began to pound into her relentlessly. Ellie was hot, wet and welcoming. He couldn’t get enough. Aaron thrust into her with unwavering vigour, and with each thrust, she moaned in pleasure. He pulled his face back and for the longest moment he stared at her with passion-filled eyes before diving into a dominating kiss that had them both groaning. The only sounds in the room were their panting, groaning and the slaps of their bodies. It was fast, it was hard. This was fucking.
This is boring.
And this is me, giving my screen some narrowed-eye glare. What, is such writing supposed to send me into throes of erotic excitement? This is practically a instruction manual list. Let me tweak the above a bit.
- Aaron pushed inside her and they groaned out loud.
- They stayed like that for several seconds as she got used to his size, welcoming him into her body.
- He started with long slow strokes into her, pulling almost all the way out before gently easing back in and driving her crazy.
- But when she bit down on his shoulder and raked her nails along his back, something inside him snapped and he began to pound into her relentlessly.
- Ellie was hot, wet and welcoming. He couldn’t get enough. Aaron thrust into her with unwavering vigour, and with each thrust, she moaned in pleasure.
- He pulled his face back and for the longest moment he stared at her with passion-filled eyes before diving into a dominating kiss that had them both groaning.
The aftermath of IKEA Sex 101 saw the two behaving like bratty teens stomping around in a wave of petulance. These people will overreact and exaggerate their exasperation to every small thing to the point that they come off as parodies of human beings. Also, for something marketed as erotica, the bulk of the story is made up of petty squabbling, childish insults, and a most unpleasant “romance” of two adults that behave more like entitled thirteen-year brats.
All that and some sparse sex scenes that operate on the assumption that telling me that the hero has a huge dong and he rams it hard is enough to qualify as 100% sexy writing. Please, I am a connoisseur. Leave such nonsense to the plebeians.
