Main cast: Chris Bruno (Red), Nikki Howard (Dr Angie Yost), Lindsay Sawyer (Cait), Jeffrey Holsman (Thaddeus Marshall), and Chris Costanzo (Ram)
Director: Nico De Leon

Holy crapsicle, if I thought 3-Headed Shark Attack was bad, I clearly hadn’t watched 5-Headed Shark Attack. Now that I have, I desperately wish I haven’t.

Just because the people behind this franchise skipped four, by going from three straight to five, doesn’t mean that they have something special in store for those poor people at the edge of their seats waiting for the next installment. If this is anything to go by, they gave up on it and perhaps even on intelligent life altogether. Nico De Leon is a first time director and cinematographer, so maybe he can be excused, but I’m not sure how we can justify two people coming with the story and three people – three! – coming up with the screenplay. After all, this movie is basically the previous movie rehashed, only this time the setting is in Puerto Rico.

So yes, we have a marine biologist, some one-dimensional shark chow tagging along, the greedy man who wants to catch the shark for monetary gains, the action man shark killer… nothing really new here. However, this time around there is no sign of intelligent life at all.

• Either the five-headed shark has superpowers or nobody here has any peripheral version, because this huge-ass five-headed thing can always be counted on to be able to sneak up to people without those people noticing anything. It can also avoid radar, camera, everything else… but some dude on the beach will be able to spot the shark right under the boat when the people on the boat, who are actively looking out for it, can’t see a damn thing.
• When you call the cops (no Coast Guard exists apparently) that you are on a boat and a big-ass shark is heading your way, the cops – who are aware of the existence of the five-headed shark – will tell you that they will wait for you at the beach.
• The same cops stand at the beach with pistols, which they will then use to shoot at the water.
• These cops will not call in support, reinforcements, anything even as the death count rises because hey, that’s just silly. In fact, throughout the movie only two cops are on the scene, and they are both useless because they don’t do anything.
• The shark often forgets that it can jump out of the sea to eat people when it has to chase after the good guys’ boat. No, it will just turn around when the going gets hard, foiled by plot armor.
• Seeing a five-headed shark coming your way is a time to stare blankly and act like you are being mildly inconvenienced. Then again, hiring the kid from high school to create the really fake-looking CGI of the shark probably ate up most of the available budget and they probably have to pick volunteers from the neighborhood bars to be part of the cast.
• These actors have only two jobs: stand around looking dumbstruck and mouth inane lines – they fail so badly at both.

I can go on and on for days, but what’s the point beating further the dead carcass of a dead, dumb horse? This movie isn’t even campy or self aware to cross over into the so bad, it’s so good territory. It’s just bad, period, and everyone involved in making this putrid turd of a movie a thing should seriously re-examine their life choices.