Main cast: Charlie O’Connell (Professor Franklin Babish), Brooke Hogan (Kate), Christina Bach (Dana), David Gallegos (Paul), Geoff Ward (Cole), Corinne Nobili (Kirsten), and Carmen Electra (Anne Babish)
Director: Christopher Ray
2-Headed Shark Attack is exactly what it says on the box: there is a hungry big two-headed shark running wild around the place and chomping everyone in badly-rendered animation. The whole thing is far from art – it’s better than that, as it’s a SyFy movie.
Professor Franklin Babish and his wife Anne lead a bunch of students on an education cruise for a “Semester at Sea” thing. Seriously, they have found two least convincing actors to play members of the academia – Charlie O’Connell looks like he has problems reading off the teleprompter, much less teach anything at college level. The students are all nondescript sorts, and a quick check on IMDB reveals that for the most of them, this movie allows them to have their biggest roles to date. Even so, most of them have only one or two lines, and therefore, an easy and accurate way to tell who will survive in the end is to count the lines of the people who play these “students”. Brooke Hogan plays Kate, the only female character with an established character (she is afraid of water), while David Gallegos (who?) plays Paul, the smart one. Geoff Ward, who proceeds to move on from here to some soft-porn roles, plays Cole, the asshole jock. Okay, he’s the only one with many lines who will also die, but if you are shocked that the asshole dies in this movie, I don’t know what to say to you.
The movie is a bucket of laughs. The acting is awful, and some of the main female cast members (especially Brooke Hogan and Carmen Electra) look like they are too fond of the tanning bed for their own good, but the script delivers plenty of unintentional comedy. The shark is hilarious. It is like a seal, it can toss a boat into the air and then chomp on the victim as the poor sod is in the air, each head doing a marvelous synchronized ripping-humans-into-two act. It also seems to be able to teleport or something, as it can attack one bunch of losers at one end of the island and another bunch at the other end in the next heartbeat. Additionally, despite one character’s insistence that a shark cannot swim too close to the shore, it can do just that, even attacking people who have both feet firmly planted in the sand.
The shark is the hero in this movie, because there is something very satisfying in watching it chomp on characters that are often obnoxious and too dumb to live. It’s too bad they don’t have a bigger budget to make the gore more prominent.
2-Headed Shark Attack is bad enough that it is probably worth the price of rental, if only to laugh at how awful it is. Bad actors, bad CGI, bad… everything, and it even has a sinking atoll and a tsunami (seriously). What more can anyone ask for?
Cantankerous muffin who loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, chocolates, and fantastical stories.