Main cast: Tom DeNucci (Jake), Eric Roberts (The Major), Michael Berryman (Trevor), Gillian Williams (Sara-Marie), and Jonathan Silverman (Jonah)
Director: Tom DeNucci
Of the two actors given main billing on the movie poster of Self Storage, none plays the lead character. Eric Roberts plays… what else? Another villain. The fact that Tom DeNucci plays the lead fellow Jake and yet, his name isn’t on the main billing should tell everybody that this movie is populated mostly by people whose acting would probably be of interest only to their parents.
Jake is “cool”. That is, “cool” in the most uninspired stereotypical nature ever – he wakes up dancing to cheesy music, spends most of his working hours stoned, is absolutely unreliable and incompetent, and looks like someone who needs to eat a fist every three hours for his own good. Fortunately, he gets to stay employed as a night watchman at a self-storage facility owned by the Major because the Major isn’t particularly concerned with the stuff stored inside the building. The whole thing is actually a front for the Major’s organ trafficking enterprise.
One night, Jake decides to call all his friends and throw a party at his work place, because that’s what “cool” guys do. At least, “cool” guys who think it is still fashionable to emulate ancient “teen rebels without a cause” movies from the 1980s. Unfortunately, they accidentally mess up a latest shipment by the Major, and now, the Major has to locate body parts quickly to make up for the botched consignment. Guess where he’d get all those organs. Thanks, Jake!
Self Storage tries very hard to be many things – it wants to be a comedy. a thriller, a slasher film, and an action film all at once – but fails at every effort. The comedy isn’t funny, the thriller isn’t very exciting, and there are way too many scenes that feel like they are included just to pad the film. The acting is wooden, making me wonder where they find these bunch of people who are clearly not prepared to play anything more than a deer looking at the headlights. It also doesn’t help that Tom DeNucci acts in a manner that feels a bit forced – as if being “cool” doesn’t come naturally to him – and his direction results in a plodding movie. The movie touches on violence, but there is hardly any worth fast forwarding the film for, and there isn’t any good humor or sex to make up for this.
This movie feels like some kind of self-indulgent exercise on the filmmakers’ parts and a paycheck for everyone else involved in this dreary thing. If this movie shows up on late night cable and one needs a sleeping aid, great, Self Storage is just what the doctor ordered. Under other circumstances, this one should have been left on the ice.
Cantankerous muffin who loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, chocolates, and fantastical stories.