Main cast: Sofia Boutella (Kora), Djimon Hounsou (Titus), Ed Skrein (Atticus Noble), Michiel Huisman (Gunnar), Doona Bae (Nemesis), Ray Fisher (Darrian Bloodaxe), Staz Nair (Tarak), Fra Fee (Balisarius), Cleopatra Coleman (Devra), Charlie Hunnam (Kai), and Anthony Hopkins (Jimmy)
Director: Zack Snyder
Before we dive into this interstellar train wreck, let me preface by saying I’m reviewing the original release.
- I don’t have 20 hours to waste gazing into Zack Snyder’s navel.
- I refuse to encourage directors who can’t self-edit from double-dipping and needlessly releasing increasingly longer versions of the same movie.
First off, let’s address the elephant in the room: that title. Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire is a ridiculous mouthful. It’s like Mr Snyder couldn’t decide which words to throw in and just said “YES!” to everything. What’s next? Rebel Moon – Part Two: A Teenager of Ice Who’s Also Maybe a Robot and Possibly a Unicorn?
Now, picture this: Zack Snyder, rejected by Lucasfilm, decides to take his Star Wars knockoff and turn it into his own “original” space opera. Surely, apparently, the world needed another chosen-one narrative set in space. Bravo, truly groundbreaking stuff.
The plot, if you can call it that, follows a peaceful colony threatened by a tyrannical regent’s armies. Our protagonist, Kora, played by Sofia Boutella, decides to gather a team of warriors to fight back. Sound familiar? It should, because it’s the plot of about 90% of all hero’s journey stories ever told. The movie conveniently forgets to explain how this ragtag team of misfits is supposed to take on an entire army, but hey, who needs logic when you have slow motion, right?
Speaking of which, let’s talk about Mr Snyder’s directing. Once upon a time, he was a technically accomplished director. Sure, he’s always been more style than substance, but there was an artistry to his choreography and lighting. Plus, I’ll always be grateful for his penchant for casting hot leading men (300 is my religion, after all).
Here, however, Mr Snyder has gone full self-indulgent. The slow-motion scenes are so excessive, I swear I aged a year watching a single raindrop fall. There’s a scene where a character dramatically removes their hood in slow-mo. Riveting stuff, once again. Really pushing the boundaries of cinema there. Oh, and let’s not forget the slow-motion sequence of a spaceship landing. Nothing says “epic space adventure” like watching landing gear deploy at the speed of continental drift.
Alas, the real tragedy here is Zack Snyder’s writing. The movie drags on like a Tatooine moisture farmer’s annual tax return, essentially becoming a roll call of characters that show up, deliver clunky dialogue, and stiffly depart. My personal favorite: “I’m not the hero they need. I’m the monster they deserve.” Wow. Did he borrow that from a 14-year-old’s DeviantArt account?
Now, I like Sofia Boutella, but watching her fight scenes was like watching a kitten try to operate heavy machinery—adorable, but completely unconvincing.
Don’t get me started on Charlie Hunnam. The man is hotter than Tatooine’s twin suns, but he’s more wasted here than C-3PO at a Mos Eisley cantina happy hour.
The one saving grace in this galactic snoozefest is Ed Skrein. Playing the only interesting and sexy character, Mr Skrein chews the scenery in a deliciously campy and dramatic manner. His character stands out like a supernova in a sea of sleepy one-note characters. It’s almost as if he wandered in from a much more entertaining movie and decided to stick around.
Let’s not ignore the elephant-sized AT-AT in the room: Mr Snyder’s blatant “inspirations”. This movie rips off Seven Samurai, Mad Max: Fury Road, Dune, and even Gladiator with all the subtlety of a Wookiee in a china shop. The only difference is that those movies didn’t bore me to tears. Watching this movie only made me wish I was watching any of those instead.
In conclusion, Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire is a draggy bore that made me long for the days when Zack Snyder just made brainless entertainment with hot guys. Maybe it’s time for him to take a sabbatical, rediscover himself, or better yet, rediscover what made his earlier works watchable. Until then, I’ll be rewatching 300 with the sound off, thank you very much.
