Nightshade Collections, $0.99
Contemporary Romance, 2016
Garrett Chase is every fat armchair feminist’s dream came true. While he thoughtfully conforms to the popular media stereotype of attractive masculinity, he just as thoughtfully shows that he is an enlightened male who cheerfully chases after fat, sorry, curvy ladies like Aubrey Jensen. Every time she visits the eatery where he serves the guests, he wishes that he can dip his toast into her huge bouncy jello or whip some cream onto her big luscious cinnamon bun. Her sister is skinny and blonde – hence, automatically evil – she also tries very hard to show Garrett that he can pour his coffee into her cup anytime. Fortunately, gentlemanly Garrett is repulsed by the sight of such hideous skinniness who is such a slut in being so forward.
Aubrey wants it bad too, but she is not a slut so she doesn’t want to be too forward. What would romance readers think, after all? Fortunately, Garrett is man enough to stalk her, corner her, and make her shiver with romantic endearments such as: “I’m going to fuck this pretty mouth of yours, darling.” With an eggroll?
Alas, like her shrill, skinny, disgusting sister, Aubrey’s mother is also a miserable old hag who doesn’t understand that fat is the new hot. Poor Aubrey. She’s being stuffed to the fullest by a hot guy who will only want her more if she continues piling on the pounds, but she’s being dogged by horrid skinny bitches who should just die for making fat chicks everywhere feel insecure while stealing all the hot men away in the process. Who do these bitches think they are? THOSE HOT GUYS ARE MEANT FOR FATTY GIRLS EVERYWHERE… BITCHES, ALL OF THEM!
(Oh sit down, fat guys, and shut up – nobody wants a piece of that fat short sausage. Go drown in your cis male privilege – fat chicks are taking over now, and sitting here demanding that hot guys love them back or else.)
As I’ve said before, I have more pounds on me than someone my age and height should have, but alas, I’m not desperate enough to buy this insultingly patronizing fantasy the author is selling me. Pretty in Ink is such a flimsy romance that lacks believable human emotions or motivations – it’s all about wanting fat readers to imagine themselves as the heroine being ravished by a dude who conforms to the very same type of beauty standards that they claim to despise, while taking a dump on skinny hot chicks everywhere in the process. Even if I want to read this kind of stories, this one is of bad fanfiction-level quality, so it’s not worth my time even if it’s printed on the toilet paper and I have nothing else to do while sitting on the crapper.
Loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, Lego, chocolates, tasty buffets, video game music, and fantastical stories.