Screaming Mimi, $0.99, ISBN 978-1393397328
Contemporary Erotica, 2016

I am so jealous of the fact that I didn’t think of a pseudonym like Screaming Mimi first. Now I have to settle for Screeching Mindy, which doesn’t have the same catchy ring to it.

Marcella Beckett thought she’d be on a romantic getaway with her boyfriend, but he dumped her at the airport. Considering her abrasive attitude in the rest of the story, I can certainly see why he gives her the dump d’shrew treatment.

Anyway, she decides to go ahead to the mountain cabin on her own. So, once she is there, she changes into some pink see-through thing to sleep in, although why she’d do this instead of wearing something more comfortable, I have no idea. Who is she wearing that for, anyway?

Oh, I get it. This is some kind of porn movie set-up, right?

So anyway, once she is asleep, a bad blizzard hits the place. Luckily, the cabin owner Shane Jamison shows up with enough food supply to weather the worst.

Instead of being grateful, Marcella berates him, hits him, and generally acts like he personally dragged the blizzard all the way here just to vex her. Sigh. This goes on and on. Where is the porn part? Surely that will be fun, right?

“Get used to it baby, I plan to worship that body like it’s my new god. I’m going to lick every inch of those curves and make you come a hundred times before I am through with you.” Watching him stalk towards the bed her eyes never left his as he stripped to nothing, only looking down when he was completely naked. The sight that greeted her almost made her run and hide, a cock larger than any she’d ever seen much less fucked. “Don’t worry I promise by the time I get you ready it won’t hurt, unless you want it to.” Swallowing hard she continued to eyeball the massiveness while he inched his way towards the head of the bed. ”

Okay, forget I said that.

Still, Marcella is a size queen that changes her mind after seeing that huge thing.

Finally when she thought she couldn’t take it any longer, that her body might give out, and she was slick with sweat he removed the bindings at her feet, wrapping her legs around his waist. She tried to pull him closer, but he wouldn’t budge. He gripped his cock in his hand, stroking it a few times, until it glistened with come, he rubbed it against her pussy, making her squirm with need. “If you don’t fuck me soon I’m going to die from blue pussy or whatever the female version of blue balls is.” Laughing he continued to tease her with his cock, rubbing against her then pulling back, she growled in frustration.

Okay, the terrible dirty talk is the best thing about the naughty scene.

“Yes, Marcella give it to me, I need it. NOW!” Like a firecracker had ignited inside her the orgasm hit her, sending fire through her whole body. She didn’t even have time to come down before he was roaring his own release, collapsing on the bed beside her in a heap. “I’m dead, bury me in the woods.”

Oh my god, these people are awful at talking dirty, but I’d take unintentionally hilarious cringe over the boring join-the-dots sex scene any day.

Of course, the sex is so godly that Marcella wants to stay in the cabin forever and ever with Shane. Yes, considering how she’d been abrasive non-stop until she’s stuffed with man meat, I have my doubts about that one.

I initially assumed, from the cover, that Laid in the Woods is probably some kind of slasher story or something. Well, it could be a horror story for folks looking for quality erotica. I find this only entertaining when the sex begins and the characters start talking in the most comically awful way, but the rest of the story has nothing much to offer.

I’d recommend taking a detour around this one.