Main cast: Ashton Kutcher (Tom Leezak), Brittany Murphy (Sarah McNerney), Christian Kane (Peter Prentis), David Moscow (Kyle), Monet Mazur (Lauren), David Rasche (Mr McNerney), Thad Luckinbill (Willie McNerney), David Agranov (Paul McNerney), Taran Killam (Dickie McNerney), and Raymond J Barry (Mr Leezak)
Director: Shawn Levy

I played a horrific game while watching this movie: I take a sip from a mug of Heineken every time Ashton Kutcher’s Tom Leezak character physically abuses or inadvertently injures our heroine Sarah McNerney.

Let’s see – in the opening scene that tries to imitate The Philadelphia Story, he pushes her into the man holding a coffee mug. He almost runs her down. Then we flash back to how the poor boy and the very rich girl meet and fall in love – after he conks her in the head with a football. On the wedding day, he carries her over the threshold and smashes her head into the doorway. He ill-treats her dog and accidentally kills it, and then lies to her about it. And on and on as their honeymoon in Europe turns into a series of unfunny hijinks. I haven’t even started with the emotional abuse and the insane displays of jealousies that Tom throw throughout the movie to Sarah.

Ashton Kutcher is just reprising his Kelso role from The ’70s Show, only this time, he is actually hurting people even when unintentionally. It’s horrifying to watch. Brittany Murphy fares better as the sane girl who in a moment of insanity decides that she loves this psychotic, abusive overly-made-up drag-queen-lookalike freak and puts up with his inept social blunders and slapstick abuse. She has a nice suitor, Peter, whose flaw is that he works too hard to achieve financial stability so that he can marry Sarah. So why doesn’t she marry Peter instead?

That’s because Just Married was written by an idiot, directed by a moron, and targeted at immature men who believe that acting like a freak and breaking up things are the best ways to win a rich hot chick’s love. I don’t know, really, but any movie where the woman gets beaten up for laughs and where the final show of grand love is a psychotic display of public vandalism – well, this is clearly a trailer park masterpiece of abusive love to avoid at all cost.