Main cast: John Hennigan (Hercules), Christian Oliver (Arius Doudounakis), Christina Ulfsparre (Princess Theodora), Jeremy M Inman (Tymek), Marcus Shirock (Cyrus), James Duval (Horace), and Dylan Vox (General Nikos)
Director: Nick Lyon
Hercules Reborn is an Asylum mockbuster, which means it’s a shameless, low-budget knockoff designed to trick unsuspecting bargain-bin shoppers into thinking they’re picking up that other Hercules movie—the one with The Rock. That also wasn’t great, but at least it had production values above that of a Renaissance Faire stage play.
Now, to its credit, Hercules Reborn manages to look pretty decent for something that was likely shot over a long weekend with a budget that wouldn’t cover The Rock’s protein shake expenses. The costumes and set pieces are… fine. But, as we all know, a passable wardrobe does not a good movie make.
For a movie that proudly slaps “Hercules” in the title, our boy is barely involved. Instead, we follow the riveting exploits of one Arius Doudounakis—a name that sounds more like a Greek restaurant chain than a leading man.
Arius is a nobody who somehow woos the princess, Theodora, and miraculously avoids execution for daring to breathe the same air as royalty. This kingdom must be operating on some highly experimental form of democracy, because not only does Arius survive, but he also isn’t immediately thrown into a dungeon for looking at Theodora funny.
Unfortunately for our hero, General Nikos with all the nuance of a cartoon mustache-twirling villain has no patience for political theory. When the king and queen refuse to let him loot a village for gold, he simply slaughters them and takes Theodora hostage. Apparently, that’s all it takes to seize the throne. No political intrigue, no courtly maneuvering, just a quick stabbing session and boom, you’re in charge. Medieval history professors everywhere are currently clutching their chests.
Determined to rescue his princess, Arius and his ragtag band of filler characters embark on a perilous quest to find Hercules. He is, conveniently, just hanging out in the next village. This is where we learn that our legendary hero has fallen on hard times, drowning his sorrows in booze because he was tricked into killing his own wife and children. You’d think someone with that kind of trauma might want to stay away from alcohol, but logic was clearly left out of the script.
Hercules, played by wrestler John Hennigan that has wrestled under more names than this movie had production meetings, spends most of the film debating whether or not he should help. Spoiler alert: of course Nikos was responsible for the trickery that led to his family’s demise, so, of course, he finally decides to show up. However, given how little screen time he has, you start to wonder if Asylum could only afford him for a few hours a day.
After much meandering, Hercules finally stops debating and shows up for the final battle, which, in true Asylum fashion, is about as thrilling as a thumb war. He slays Nikos in an anticlimactic fight that makes you wonder why the movie spent so much time on setup if it was just going to end like that. Meanwhile, Arius is conveniently saved by Theodora, who emerges out of nowhere—perhaps as a last-minute attempt to give her something to do besides being a distressed damsel.
For the grand finale, Arius gets to marry Theodora and is somehow declared king, because… democracy? No voting, no discussions, just “Congrats, buddy! You killed the bad guy, here’s the crown!” The Ancient Greek political system is in shambles.
The cast boasts an impressive variety of accents, none of which belong anywhere near Ancient Greece. Some actors barely try, while Christian Oliver is giving the kind of heartfelt, dramatic effort that belongs in something more elevated than a direct-to-DVD knockoff. It’s both tragic and hilarious, like watching someone perform Shakespeare at a Chuck E Cheese.
Meanwhile, Dylan Vox, as General Nikos, is clearly aware of the movie he’s in and tries to ham it up. Unfortunately, he lacks the physical intimidation, gravitas, or sheer oomph needed to make his villain memorable. Instead of a menacing warlord, he comes off as the assistant warlord who is really excited about his first promotion.
If you love so-bad-it’s-good cinema, Hercules Reborn is best consumed with friends, alcohol, and a complete disregard for historical accuracy. It’s violent but not impactful, dramatic but not engaging, and unintentionally hilarious when it’s trying to be serious. The only thing truly legendary about this Hercules is how forgettable he is.
