Main cast: Ed Morrone (Joe Anderson), Crash Buist (Teddy), Tony Todd (Harry), Adrienne Barbeau (Georgia), Meg Foster (Mary), Courtney Gains (Bernard), John Kassir (Rick), Danielle Gross (Deanna), Bruce Dern (Bill Unger), and Billy Zane (Joshua)
Director: Justin Lee
Now, I don’t know what Hellblazers is about when I first come across it on the streaming service, but just look at the cast. Sure, each of them in a movie doesn’t mean much, as they are in as many turds as they are in gems.
Tony Todd, Adrienne Barbeau, Courtney Gains, Meg Foster, the Crypt Keeper, Bruce Dern, Billy Zane all in the same movie, however, is something that will be either glorious or a train wreck of epic proportions. I have to see it!
Billy Zane is Joshua, an evil cult leader, because what else will be, really? He and his cult summon a demon one fine evening, probably because they have nothing better to do in a boring small town like Hope Valley. Let’s just say that they probably don’t expect to succeed, judging from Joshua’s expression when the demon crawls out from the ground!
The demon needs to be fed in order to become more powerful. Well, these bozos decide that the townsfolk would be perfect food for this demon.
Bill Unger stumble upon this whole demon summoning thing while visiting the grave of his wife, but will the others pay him any heed?
Joe, the new sheriff in town, doesn’t, probably because Bill has a history of reporting alien sightings in his backyard. Is the whole town doomed to become demon chow?
Unfortunately, it’s hard to care because this thing has barely a story, and stretches its screen time with pointless, meandering filler scenes of various characters trying hard to be funny but somehow missing the point.
In fact, the movie is far more interested in showing off the genre icons it manages to con invite to appear on it, as the first 30 minutes or so are just that: a roll call of various characters for the audience to go, “Ooh! That’s the Candyman! Ooh!”
Most of the bigger names in the cast listing are pretty much just cameo appearances, and I really hope people aren’t tuning in hoping to see Tony Todd as the lead like the poster suggests, because he’s barely in this one. Meanwhile, Adrienne Barbeau plays the DJ, a pretty predictable homage to her role in the original The Fog, and the rest of the more recognizable names are just sort of here and there and barely anywhere.
Bruce Dern and Billy Zane are the biggest hams that steal every scene they are in. Sadly, Mr Dern and Mr Zane aren’t in most of the movie, as the true main cast are Ed Morrone, Crash Bandicoot… er Buist, Ms Barbeau, and Danielle Gross, with John Kassir showing up tad more than the other “big stars” only to have his character unceremoniously disposed once his contracted time on set is up.
The main cast members play characters are that boring, nondescript, and forgettable, although I have to say that Mr Buist is very easy on the eyes. As a result, once the roll call is over past the 30th minute mark, the movie has very little else going for it.
Once the “fun”, if I can call it that, starts, the party is more akin to some lame siege scene in a single location with off-screen kills and some really anticlimactic “confrontation” that reminds me way too much of what happens when people try to remake Feast on a budget of a hundred dollars. That’s probably accurate; these people probably blew most of their budget on paying for the cameo appearances from big names.
At any rate, this thing is a cautionary tale of prioritizing the hauling of recognizable names into the main billing over actually entertaining script.
