Cassandra Page, $0.99, ISBN 978-0648130215
Fantasy Romance, 2018
Cassandra Page’s Guardian Angel has one of the strangest second sentence I’ve come across in a long time:
Jordan smiled, hands stuffed deep into his jacket pockets as his Nikes silently danced from the lift to his apartment.
I know that this is supposed to be an urban fantasy set in the 24th century, and hence tech woo-woo is everywhere, but… dancing lift-using sneakers? Can they also play football?
Anyway, the Jordan in that sentence is Jordan Woodrow, a famous movie star because maybe all the AI tech suddenly died or got banned by that time and they still need human actors, and his Nikes are dancing because he is engaged to a hot 18-year old called Brianna, whom he met just a short while ago at a convention.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Jordan said. “It’s not ideal. I mean, she still lives with her folks, which makes things totally awkward. But I wouldn’t change her for the world.”
I’ve no idea why he’d think that’s totally awkward—wait, do guys drop phrases like “totally awkward”, anyway?—as I’m sure it’s totally common. Just ask Drake.
She was exquisite. Her hair shimmered in a golden wave down her back, and her eyes twinkled with a spark of laughter that drew him in, like he was the moth and she the dancing candle flame. Her face looked soft, baby-smooth and blemish-free, but without a hint of makeup. Her teeth were gleaming white and her lips were fresh and pink. She licked them and his gaze followed the gesture, enraptured…
You know, I’d imagine by the 24th century, everyone can look just as hot with some tech woo-woo. Why is the author writing like it’s still the 20th century and makeup is for whores only when she also set the story voluntarily in the distant future?
However, the story takes on an interesting twist when Brianna is not the heroine here. I mean, yes, score one for the author for defying the stereotype that women that don’t use makeup are automatically pure and noble types, but the author also has several other female characters in this story cattily remarking that Brianna is too hot and therefore evil, which means we are back square one as the author has merely replaced one tired stereotype with another—one that demonizes beautiful women as demons because we are all ugly haughty judgmental virtuous women that read these stories to project our jealousy onto fictitious characters, and that’s not sad at all.
The author also has various secondary characters giving their first person point of view and the whole thing is just distracting instead of adding anything of value. It’s not like these characters add any new insight or perspective into the “Whole beautiful woman = baaad!” angle; in fact, they just repeat and reiterate it, making the story come off repetitive and petty.
Here is what I would have done had I been the author: make this one a psychological or paranormal thriller, cut out the romance as it adds zero to the whole thing aside from bitterness toward hot women, and keep the story entirely from the perspective of the hero. He could end up falling for Brianna anyway after knowing what she is, or repel her in some climactic showdown—either way, that story would have made better use of the admittedly intriguing premise compared to this “I hate hot women!” showcase of pettiness.
Oh, and ditch the 24th century angle; just set the story in present decade instead. Seriously, nothing in this story feels remotely futuristic in any way!
