Main cast: Kelli Maroney (Allison Parks), Tony O’Dell (Ferdy Meisel), John Terlesky (Mike Brennan), Russell Todd (Rick Stanton), Karrie Emerson (Linda Stanton), Barbara Crampton (Suzie Lynn), Nick Segal (Greg Williams), Suzee Slater (Leslie Todd), Mary Woronov (Mary Bland), Paul Bartel (Paul Bland), and Dick Miller (Walter Paisley)
Director: Jim Wynorski

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Roombas got unionized, armed, and fed up with humanity, Chopping Mall is your answer. Directed by Jim Wynorski, the movie is a delightful 77-minute dive into laser-fueled chaos, proving once again that the ’80s were the golden era of “killer” ideas.

Let’s start with Jim Wynorski himself. His career trajectory is almost uncanny when you compare it to David DeCoteau’s. Sure, Mr Wynorski has a higher profile, but both started with campy, low-budget cult classics before veering into, uh, softer territory, eventually settling into a cozy horror-porn hybrid niche. But let’s give credit where it’s due: no matter what came after, Mr Wynorski delivered Chopping Mall, a charmingly deranged flick that turns a shoestring budget into a laser beam of fun.

The plot is as simple as it gets: A shopping mall installs high-tech “Killbots” as security guards. What could go wrong with robots programmed to neutralize threats in a place that sells steak knives and explosives?

A freak electrical storm fries their circuits, transforming them into murderous sentinels. Their modus operandi? Shoot first, say “Thank you, have a nice day” later.

Enter our guinea pigs: four couples with a taste for mischief and a penchant for partying in closed malls. They’re ready for a night of booze, hookups, and…well, not much else, but the Killbots don’t approve. What follows is a series of gloriously absurd cat-and-mouse games featuring laser eyes, exploding heads, and teens who make every wrong decision possible.

Predictably, one couple doesn’t even make it past first base, which, of course, marks them as the most likely survivors. Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets early, because we all know how horror tropes work.

The pacing is mercifully tight, giving you just enough time to marvel at the absurdity before the next robot rampage. The gore is more “Oops, ketchup packet exploded!” than “Call the coroner!”, but that only adds to the charm. You’re here to watch pretty people make terrible choices, and the movie delivers in spades.

Let’s talk tension. Even with the humor and camp, the killer Roombas know how to bring the suspense. Just when you think the humans have outwitted their metallic overlords, the bots pull the rug out from under them (metaphorically speaking—they don’t vacuum). It’s a rollercoaster of “Yay, they did it!” followed immediately by “Nope, they’re toast.”

Kelli Maroney shines as the final girl, balancing vulnerability with grit in a way that’s surprisingly believable. She’s likable, scrappy, and you genuinely root for her as she navigates the carnage with a mix of luck and sheer determination.

But let’s get real: the true crime here is the underuse of John Terlesky. This man is a walking thirst trap with a smile that could disarm even the most homicidal Killbot. And yet, he’s one of the first to go! Sure, we’re blessed with some gratuitous shirtless scenes, but come on, Jim Wynorski—this man deserved to stick around longer. Justice for John Terlesky!

So, should you watch Chopping Mall? Absolutely. It’s a time capsule of ‘80s excess, a campy horror delight, and a perfect reminder that sometimes, less (budget) is more (fun). Just be prepared to mourn the criminally short screen time of its hottest cast member. Some tragedies cut deeper than laser beams.