Main cast: Diego Luna (Cassian Andor), Stellan Skarsgård (Luthen Rael), Genevieve O’Reilly (Mon Mothma), Denise Gough (Dedra Meero), Kyle Soller (Syril Karn), Adria Arjona (Bix Caleen), Faye Marsay (Vel Sartha), Varada Sethu (Cinta Kaz), Elizabeth Dulau (Kleya Marki), Kathryn Hunter (Eedy Karn), Alastair Mackenzie (Perrin Fertha), Joplin Sibtain (Brasso), Muhannad Bhaier (Wilmon), Ben Miles (Tay Kolma), and Richard Dillane (Davo Sculdun)
Director: Ariel Kleiman
Well, we’ve made it to the third episode, dear readers—or rather, I did, because I’m contractually obligated to finish what I started, and also because I’ve already opened a bottle of cheap chardonnay and, frankly, I don’t want it to go to waste.
So, what’s the word on the street? Well, according to certain corners of the internet—you know the ones, the sites that act like Lucasfilm sends them commemorative Wampa plushies for every vaguely positive article they write — Harvest is THE episode. The bold one. The daring one. The episode where, GASP, someone gets sexually assaulted.
Let’s get this straight: all the headlines made it sound like Star Wars just went full HBO after dark, and it’s not even remotely that. An Imperial ICE agent makes a half-baked proposition to Bix Carleen (because apparently, even in a galaxy far, far away, there’s always that one creepy middle manager who thinks “Hey baby, how ‘bout a little something for the boss?” is a legitimate HR strategy). Bix proceeds to do what any sensible woman in a Star Wars show would’ve done—grab a nearby blunt object, whack him like an unruly piñata, and call it a day.
Naturally, this otherwise nothing-burger scene has social media doing its usual thing: arguing violently about whether this belongs in Star Wars, conveniently forgetting that this is a franchise where genocide, dismemberment, and carbon-freezing your friends for sport are literally daily occurrences. People, do find something actually interesting to fight over.
Meanwhile, in the Plot That Moves Slower Than a Bantha in Molasses™, the long-teased wedding finally happens, although calling it a wedding is generous—it’s more like a Sad Beige Cult Convention. Despite the Disney PR hype about every extra wearing custom-made jewelry and couture, they’re all shot in blurry soft focus like a dream sequence in a daytime soap from 1984. For all we know, they were wearing Crocs and bathrobes, and it wouldn’t have made a lick of difference.
Back in the camp of Happy Illegal Immigrants™, the Empire’s ICE agents are closing in. Stormtroopers arrive to demonstrate their legendary inability to hit a target if their life depended on it. The rebels fight back using the traditional Star Wars method of shouting dramatically.
Hey, where’s Andor? Well, our hero once again stumbles into the action, reunites with Bix after presumably getting lost in a maintenance corridor or something, then ends the episode yet again in spaceship, which should come equipped with a “You Are Here” map at this point, considering how often he crash-lands into trouble.
As for the editing, remember those early 2000s music videos where scenes would cut every half second to imply something exciting was happening? Yeah, this episode, especially the last few minutes, is that. Only with more beige.
Andor continues to be a multi-million-dollar exercise in vaguely competent, aggressively mediocre beige drama. Diego Luna still can’t act, but hey, neither can half the cast of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, so tradition lives on.
