Main cast: Jason Momoa (Arthur Curry/Aquaman), Patrick Wilson (Orm), Amber Heard (Mera), Yahya Abdul-Mateen II (David Kane/Black Manta), Randall Park (Dr Stephen Shin), Dolph Lundgren (King Nereus), Temuera Morrison (Thomas Curry), Martin Short (Kingfish), Pilou Asbæk (Kordax), Indya Moore (Karshon), Vincent Regan (King Atlan), Jani Zhao (Stingray), and Nicole Kidman (Queen Atlanna)
Director: James Wan

Holy crap, the CGI in Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, from the very first second of the whole thing, screams Syfy after their CGI people won the lottery of a few million dollars. Was it that bad in Aquaman or was I too dazzled by Jason Momoa’s sex appeal superior acting back then?

This one waited too long—it’s been five years or so after the first movie came out—to capitalize on the hype of that movie, which remains one of super few of the most successful DCEU movies to date. Had they struck while the iron is hot, I may be more forgiving of this thing, but this is the final death knell on the hilariously awful and mismanaged Synderverse phase of the DC superhero movies, and I’m been numbed by so many not-so-good DCEU movies to muster much enthusiasm for this thing.

Then again, this one had been plagued by numerous re-shoots and release date delays, and having Amber Heard in it doesn’t bolster its appeal to most of the world that aren’t into pooping on the bed.

Right off the bat also, I notice how pun-heavy this movie is. I guess these people are trying to distance this movie from the previous one as much as possible, heh.

In this one, four years have passed since the events of the previous movie. Arthur and Meera have married and they have a brat, Arthur Junior. Orm is still in prison, and life is as swimming as can be, except for Black Manta still hell bent on committing revenge on Arthur and everyone that bearded seahorse dude holds dear for the death of his own father.

Well, Black Manta, working with Dr Stephen Shin (not, not that guy), locates a large number of old Atlantean machines that he naturally intends to use to wage war on Arthur and Atlantis. He also discovers an old artifact, the Black Trident, that oops, contains an ancient spirit that takes over him and stokes his hatred and hunger of power to new heights.

Arthur learns of Black Manta’s new army when our bad guy robs Atlantis of its orichalcum reserves to power the machines, and oh no, apparently the use of that mineral can cause a climate change meltdown that can destroy the world.

Meera gets injured at about the 30th minute mark of the film and is shunted out of the scene for most of the movie, so Arthur releases Orn from prison instead for some literal bros on a road trip kind of adventure to locate Black Manta’s secret hideout and stop that fellow. Can they succeed?

Let’s start with the highlights of the show: Patrick Wilson getting in shape for his shirtless scene and oh my, what a beautiful shape it is. If he had retained this body and flashed those perky headlights throughout all of his Blumhouse horror movie appearances, I’d be more eager to watch those turds.

Mr Wilson and, believe it or not, Amber Heard are the only ones among the cast members that seem to be halfway decent. Everyone else seems to be just here for the paycheck and their acting reeks of a tortured kind of “I just want this to be over… LET ME OUT OF HERE, SOB!!!” existential crisis, and I can’t help but to wonder whether Jason Mamoa is high on something throughout the whole film.

The worst part of this movie is its very awkward forced non-stop humor that makes me cringe super hard. Aquaman runs around like a five-year old fat kid in a candy store and the secondary characters aren’t much better. The whole thing seems tailored for optimal viewing at frathouse keg parties when everyone is completely smashed, because watching this sober is an excruciating experience.

Thus closes the final chapter of the Synderverse, which had been a tragicomedy of more consecutive flops than hits in the decade-plus lifespan of this wretched franchise. Hopefully now the psychotic fans of Zack Snyder can stop pretending to be superhero movie fans and crawl back into whichever holes they slink out from, leaving actual fans of the genre in peace.

So, is it worth watching this movie for Patrick Wilson beefcake? Nah. He actually showed more in other movies before he became a Blumhouse Productions groupie, thrusting hips and naked clenched bum on a washing machine and all, so yeah, this movie isn’t the best option if thirsty people are looking for that kind of thing!