Main cast: MASUMI (Akemi), Jonathan Rhys Meyers (Shiro), Tsuyoshi Ihara (Takeshi), and Eijiro Ozaki (Kojiro)
Director: Vicente Amorim
At around the 18th-minute mark of Yakuza Princess, Jonathan Rhys Meyers presents the only welcome sight in the entire almost two-hour runtime: his impressive tackle, swaying freely in the open as he casually saunters around the screen.
You’re welcome, people!
Sure, he’s flashed that before in his other movies, as this is one gentleman that is not shy about his endowment, but surely, he knows how much this movie is in need of a blessed reason to watch, and he selflessly provides that reason.
Our well-endowed bloke plays an amnesiac man that wakes up in a ward in a São Paulo hospital. Meanwhile, our heroine is Akemi, who learns that her father was a Yakuza boss that had her sent here before he was killed by his rival, and now, she has inherited his clan as well as his enemies. At least, that is what Takeshi, her father’s loyal minion that has shown up to be her bodyguard, tells her.
Naturally, Dong Meyers and Akemi have some kind of plot connection, but finding out what that is is a pretty boring experience.
Yes, this movie can be summed up in one word: boring. It is very flashy, trying to be all style and maybe some substance, but the script carries a barely-there story despite boasting the names of four people as the screenwriters. Even then, this won’t be an issue if the style is over the top… but it isn’t.
Strip away the bright colors and choppy frenetic editing, and I have a sluggish movie that is bizarrely lacking in flashy fight scenes or chase scenes or anything to bring the style over the roof to make up for the lack of substance.
The characters barely have any personality, not counting the impressive length of Dong Meyers’s… uh, character, and they are just standing there talking some really cringe-inducing lines most of the time. The singer MASUMI plays a discount Lucy Liu that skipped one too many acting classes, and everyone else is just sort of filling up the empty spaces in a single shot.
There is a place in cinema for insane, flashy all-style no-substance movies, and in many ways, this one could have been a welcome addition, but sadly, it is lacking in style as well as substance. It is everything a movie of this kind should do its best to avoid being—so freaking boring.
