Main cast: Paul Bettany (Priest), Karl Urban (Black Hat), Cam Gigandet (Hicks), Maggie Q (Priestess), Lily Collins (Lucy Pace), Brad Dourif (The Salesman), Stephen Moyer (Owen Pace), Christopher Plummer (Monsignor Orelas), Alan Dale (Monsignor Chamberlain), and Mädchen Amick (Shannon Pace)
Director: Scott Stewart

Priest is a movie loosely based on a Korean manhwa, which in Hollywood term means that it took the name, a few vague concepts, and then threw the rest into a blender along with Mad Max, Blade, and a dash of The Matrix for good measure. As someone unfamiliar with the source material, I walked into this film baggage-free—unlike fans of the manhwa, who presumably walked in clutching pitchforks and torches.

So, what’s the setup? Once upon a time, the world was plagued by vampires. But not the sexy, brooding kind that sparkle in the sunlight and make you question your taste in romantic partners. No, these are eyeless, fleshy murder-goblins ruled by a single queen, which frankly makes way more evolutionary sense than the whole turning people into aristocratic goths thing.

The Church, because it’s always about the Church in these dystopian settings, trained an elite order of warriors to wipe them out. And they did. Almost too well.

So naturally, the Church decided that the real threat wasn’t the bloodthirsty monsters but the people who were good at killing them, and the priests got the boot. The Church then declared itself the world’s supreme ruler and gave humanity the gift of oppression. You’re welcome.

But wait! There won’t be a movie if vampires are truly extinct! Enter the twist: the Church is about as good at assessing threats as a security guard in a heist movie, so they conveniently ignore the fact that vampires are still out there, munching on anyone unfortunate enough to live outside the city walls.

One such incident sees Lucy Pace getting kidnapped and her parents thoroughly un-alived. Enter Hicks, a gunslinger whose personality is as sharp as a butter knife, who seeks out Lucy’s uncle, a former priest played by Paul Bettany. This character is too cool for names, so he is simply called… Priest. Bold move. I respect it.

Now, Priest is the textbook definition of a guilty pleasure. The script is about as fresh as three-day-old roadkill. You could predict the story with your eyes closed. For instance, Priest tragically loses a dear friend early in the movie, and if you can’t guess that this person will return as the villain, congratulations—you’re new to movies! The film is basically a paint-by-numbers of action tropes played completely straight.

And yet… it works.

Why? Because the characters exude the kind of effortless, over-the-top coolness that makes you forget all logic and just vibe. Paul Bettany, before he became Marvel’s resident floating AI boyfriend, delivers an understated, brooding badassery with just enough subtle humor to catch you off guard. Karl Urban plays Black Hat, the vampire-ified ex-priest who clearly raided Van Helsing’s wardrobe, and despite having a script that gives him the depth of a kiddie pool, he somehow steals every scene he’s in. Maggie Q is criminally underused, but she looks so fierce standing still that you almost don’t care. Cam Gigandet… is also there.

Then there’s the action. Despite CGI that should have aged like milk, it’s surprisingly not as cringe-inducing as some of its contemporaries (*cough* Green Lantern *cough*). The fight sequences are slick, the pacing keeps you engaged, and even though the film takes itself so seriously, it’s hard not to enjoy every ridiculous second.

In the end, Priest may not be good, but it sure as hell is fun. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a greasy fast-food burger—bad for you, but so satisfying in the moment. It’s a crying shame this wasn’t marketed as an original IP instead of an adaptation, because I would have loved to see the sequel that never was.

Final verdict? A holy mess, but in the best way possible.