Main cast: Ryan Merriman (Steven), Jamie Tisdale (Cris), Myk Watford (Mason), Reinaldo Zavarace (Raz), Najarra Townsend (Jen), Gregory Zaragoza (Douglas), and Heather Langenkamp (Fiona)
Director: Dean Alioto
There is something really meta about Portal. Ghost hunter Steven laments that his reality TV show—”reality”, that is—is not doing as well as it could have been due to budget issues, and indeed, this movie is nowhere as good as it could have been because of, among other things, its budget issues. It is likely that the bulk of the budget went to renting the mansion for the shooting, to Heather Langenkamp that only appears in about the late third or so of the movie, and the rest to McDonald’s meal sets for the crew and cast.
Anyway, Steven has always wanted to prove the existence of ghosts, mostly to validate an incident during his childhood—he was sure he saw a ghost, told everyone, and was mocked for years because of this—so when his show is not doing so well and his budget is running low, he blows everything that’s left on bribing a location scout for a competing ghost hunter show to give him access to their upcoming locations. He ends up picking a mansion that was the scene of a brutal murder committed by a man on his wife and daughters. He and his crew break into the place to start filming for spooky stuff, and of course they find what they are looking for, oops.
Don’t be fooled by the movie poster for this movie, like I did. There is nothing here that comes even close to what is on the poster. Instead, almost two-thirds of the movie are spent on these bozos walking around, talking, and arguing among themselves. Maybe even fake jump scares are too expensive, hence there is nothing to break the monotony of watching these unlikable characters argue and act like twits. The jump scares and whatever CGI they can afford are all crammed in the last third or so of the movie, and even then, the whole thing feels like a film school project that barely made the grade.
The biggest problem here is the lighting. Some movies may be too dark to point of the viewers not being able to make out anything on screen, but here, the movie is just too bright, Scenes are so well lit that I can only snort when I am told that a particular bright as day scene, with light streaming in from a window, is supposed to be taking place at 2.00 am. It’s not even good light, mind you. The source of light seems to come from cheap fluorescent sources, which adds little and actually breaks any tension the movie may be trying to build.
Furthermore, the script itself seems to be written by amateurs. Twists and convenient plot developments are pulled out of rear ends, and there is no proper build up of lore or even background details of the dark, malevolent force in the house. Worst of all is how, when these characters finally have to pit themselves against this malevolent force, they immediately speak like they were in a Joss Whedon show. Yes, sarcastic lines galore, all delivered at the most inappropriate moments, maybe to tell me that these characters are devoid of human emotions like fear.
Everything about Portal reeks of amateurism served up on a shoestring budget, and the cast all emote and act like they would rather be in any movie but this one. Just pick any one of the many “haunted house of jump scares” movies out there at the moment, and chances are good that it will be far more interesting and effective than this thing.
