Bantam, $5.99, ISBN 0-553-57867-7
Historical Erotica, 2000

What a legendary bore. For a book of only about 293 pages, and in large print font, you’d think Legendary Lover would have the decency to have a plot. But no, it has less plot than an episode of The Road Runner Show, and the sex isn’t even interesting.

The plot (if one can call it that) is our Jack Fitz-James, Marquis of Redvers, meeting Venus Duras. She turns him down at first meet, but since she hasn’t had anyone in her bed for a year, she doesn’t say no during the second meeting.

They boink in room during a party, they boink in a carriage, they boink at his country home, they boink al fresco, they boink in the carriage on the way back, they boink in more rooms, and oh, some woman is trying to sink her claws into Jack and Jack’s cousin is trying to get his hands on our hero’s monies.

Don’t worry – the last two elements are thrown in during the last few chapters as if they were afterthoughts.

Now, I’m all for boinking. More power to Jack and Venus and whatever portions of their anatomies involved if they are happy. But frankly, the whole thing is really tedious. There is hardly any emotional involvement – they’re in love because oh, they have never peaked this goo-oooo-ooo-oooo-ood before. Venus just keep bouncing on Jack as if she’s playing pogo stick, and Jack keeps going at Venus as if he’s the new Energizer bunny. All these orgasms, thrown my way with an emotional detachment more appropriate for a porn movie, get painfully tedious after a while.

But there’s no relationship development. Come to think of it, Jack and Venus aren’t anything but walking, talking, overheated genitalia.

Legendary Lover is really a waste of time. A colossal bore of titanic proportions, recommended only for those suffering from chronic stages of insomnia.