Nightshade Collections, $0.99
Contemporary Erotica, 2016
K(ink)y Curves is actually one of ten stories in a collection called Curved Lines. It’s all about curvy chicks and bad boys, and I’m reviewing each story as individual books because nobody is paying me to sit through all of them in one go and then review them all.
Grady is a popular stripper known by his moniker The Grinder. Funny, I always think of mad killers with chainsaws when I hear that moniker. He does his thing, it pays his bills, but it doesn’t soothe the ache in his heart and loins whenever he thinks of Charlie, whom he’d fallen in love with even if he’s only spoken dirty to her over the phone. They play with their own ya-ya’s and la-la’s while saying filthy, dirty, vulgar things like:
“Damn, McHorny. Keep up those hot sex noises, and you’re going to make me have to get out my extra big dildo.”
“The one with the beads that twirl around the base?”
“Uh huh. I’m going to spread my legs wide and work Big Bob into my pussy while you’re stroking your cock. Do you want to come with me like that?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Okay, I suppose there will be someone out there who will find “erotic talk” like the above filthy, dirty, and vulgar. Me, I snort when Charlie calls Grady “McHorny Quick Draw”, and no, it’s not a sexy kind of snort.
Charlie, as you can probably guess, has a voice that gets men all over the place to start popping like corn on a hot grill, and she makes good money voicing erotica audiobooks and being a phone sex operator, but in real life, she’s curvy and not as confident as she can be when she’s just doing the talking. She and Grady will meet in real life when the show Passion’s Diary – or Passion’s Dairy, when the editor is asleep on the job, heh, and something tells me this would be a more interesting show than the Diary one – comes to film at the club Grady works at and Charlie is the sister-in-law of the producer of the show.
K(ink)y Curves is set in the world of adult films and strippers, not something I come across often in romance novels, and I like how the author doesn’t sugar coat the parts of that world that may be considered seedy by some people. Of course, she also sanitizes that world, so there is no rampant drug use and such. The story, however, is a familiar one: the guy can’t stop talking about and acting like the heroine is the hottest thing he’s ever laid eyes on, but the heroine would go, oh, she’s fat and he’s hot so clearly the whole thing isn’t meant to be. I don’t know, I’d think it won’t hurt to at least have sex with him once or twice since he’s clearly willing to go voom-voom right out of the gate. Besides, he likes going down on women, without expecting anything back, and he clearly likes chubby ladies so she can get to eat all the bon-bons she wants without worries of him calling her fat – so what’s the problem? GET ON THAT SADDLE, BITCH, DON’T WASTE EVERYONE’S TIME.
Alas, she’s been bullied before, sob, sob. And she’s not so good at sex, eek, eek, and…. basically, our heroine is a thinly-veiled placeholder for big-sized readers who want to imagine that they are a hot curvy babe lusted after every hot guy in the universe, hot guys who will slowly teach them how to go wild in bed while praising them for being such natural sex goddesses. Oh, and our hero has been beaten up bad by his daddy before, et cetera, and like most heroes with jobs that require shaking and selling their bodies for money, he is given an unrealistically large dose of perfection to compensate for any misgivings a reader may have about hooking up with a well-ridden bicycle.
Still, despite its transparent agendas, this one can be a pleasant read. The main characters have some chemistry despite Charlie playing hard to get. It’s just that, sigh. “McHorny”, really? And the author’s idea of “naughty talk” is something I find more juvenile and try-hard than organically raunchy. I can’t find this story erotic because of the phraseology of the naughty scenes – they seem to be written by someone who can’t switch off the “I want to be Joss Whedon!” button – just as I can’t find the romance absorbing due to Charlie’s eye-rolling “Who… me? You think I’m hot… sexy curvy old me? OOOOH… I orgasmed six times just like that… would you believe that something this amazing and rare would happen to fat, boring, plain uggs old me?” antics. But maybe that’s just me. If you can breathe heavily at the idea of a hero called “McHorny” looming over and telling you that you need a “real cock” in your hoo-hoo, maybe K(ink)y Curves would be a lapdance to remember.
