FA Publishing, $3.49
Fantasy Romance, 2016
For some shifters, being an Omega was a good thing. Rarities in the shifter world, some Omegas were traded like rare gifts among packs. Most of the time, these Omegas were good-looking, incredibly horny and eager to have a good time. They had it easy.
But Warren? Despite his unique ability to carry natural-born pups, there was nothing special about him.
He worked the most boring job in the world, owned five cats and loved to bake.
Poor Warren Kelly. He’s normal. That’s a fate worse than death. All he wants is someone who will accept him for what he is, but unfortunately, nobody is biting. Literally and figuratively – our dude here is a werewolf. Hence, he finally signs up for Growl4me, the social app that will hopefully link him with people who like boring dudes with five cats. He believes the app is all about finding your soulmate.
Noble Glass – yes, that’s his name – believes that Growl4me is basically Grindr for furries.
Those who used Growl4Me knew the rules – meet, fuck and say their goodbyes.
He doesn’t believe in the mate-mate-mate thing because his mated parents couldn’t stand one another, and other mated couples he knows of are similarly dysfunctional. Wait, is that possible? I’m led to believe from other similar romances that love only happens when you have the correct scent and body fluids that will force you to develop an attraction to the other fellow with similar scent and body fluids – sort of like a messier kind of eugenics in action. Is the author saying that these furballs go through all that biological red tape only to end up like normal couples? I’m disillusioned now.
Well, the joke’s on Noble, because he is quickly ensnared in all that mate-mate-mate stuff the moment he encounters the blushing, stammering Warren that reveals on their first date how Warren’s warrens have never been explored by any honey bunny before.
But don’t worry, Warren is more than happy to go down on his past dates during the first meet! Why? Because he wants to wait for the right time for that backside stuff, so a little oral action will placate the date from wanting to do heavier stuff with our hero. Hence, he reassures Noble that he’s very good at banana munching. Noble is like, nah, they are good; Warren can relax because there will be no sexy stuff on the first date – Noble will just go home and tug himself off in the shower. Nonetheless, he assures Warren:
“Eventually, you’re going to end up on your knees, begging for my cock or on fours, offering that sweet ass to me.”
What am I reading here, people? Seriously, what am I reading?
Given how these two are talking about these things on the first date, I half expect them to pull out all stops on the second date and start having superpower-nuclear-supernova sex that will steam up my glasses and cause my fingernails to fall off from excitement… but no. Instead, I get a super lame plot involving the boring, cat-mad, pre-diabetic bag of nerves that is Warren somehow having a stalker, which Noble knows about but for some lame reason won’t tell Warren because Warren is some kind of delicate oral sex machine that needs to be protected not only from physical threats but also the threat of ever having to think even a little with that brain of his.
Hence, Growl4Me is set up to be some raunchy story featuring an over-the-top masculine top and a melodramatic embarrassing cliché of a sensitive, delicate, quivering, blushing, hesitant, virginal anus who nonetheless rates an A++ in fellatio, only to pull a 180 and introduce a super-impotent angle about some stalker that gets curb-stomped by our invincible super-masculine Tom of Finland poster boy. If the author had picked one direction and stuck with it, the result may be something so ridiculous that it may end up being brilliant in a perverse way. Instead, I end up with something that makes me feel like I’ve just witnessed a train wreck in Bizarro World.
