Main cast: Gregori Baquet (Paul), Alice Taglioni (Agnès), Jocelyn Quivrin (Louis-Arnault), Élodie Navarre (Emeline), Arthur Jugnot (Chouquet), and Salim Kechiouche (Mécir)
Director: Robert Salis

Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert!

Fucking an Arab

French director Robert Salis is obviously taken with big ideals, sweeping visions and epic intentions, Oh and the movie Maurice. This little 2004 movie is rife with issues of class distinctions and thoughts on educational elitism all the while juggling parallel topics of social justice and economic inequality. Now, supposedly, somewhere in here is also a movie about some guy coming to terms with the fact he is gay. Does this all strike you as a bit much for one picture to tackle in one giant gulp at the same time with the expectation that it remain somewhat coherent also? Just checking.

I, unlike director Robert Salis, shall attempt to get to the main story without too many diversions.

The story

Paul is attending his first year at an elite economics institution located outside Paris, which is the reason we are hearing a foréign languagé and sééing subtitlés with lots of thésé fancy shmancy ééés proving supérior Frénch culturé and tasté and jacking up the pricé of the catéring bill. His roommates are the athletic swimmer dude Louis-Arnaud and the mostly unimportant Chouquet, whom for simplicity reasons we can basically forget we met. Bye Chouquet you are silly, your name is silly and I shall not use it again in this review.

Paul’s girlfriend is the liberal Agnès and Louis-Arnaud’s girlfriend and fellow economics student is Emeline. We shall see both girls undressed a lot of the time and having a lot of sex with their respective boyfriends, well a lot in terms of this being a gay movie and all. Did I miss some memo or something requesting a 2 to 1 ratio of heterosexuality shown in all independent films of homosexual subject matter?

The story branches here so bear with me

Paul is getting the hots for male roommate Louis-Arnaud and stealing his boxers, and then Louis-Arnaud has Paul come to swimming practice and basically sit around and watch him and his teammates shower together because I guess French boys do that.

gnès somehow picks up on this attraction and makes a game of it. She bets Paul on who can bed Louis-Arnaud first, if she wins, Paul must give up his fantasies of that sweet butt of Louis-Arnaud and move in with her in the heart of Paris forsaking any independence and becoming her property. At least that’s what I got from the deal. However, if Paul can play hide the sausage with swimmer boy and his incredibly large banana hammock, Agnès said she would leave Paul. Such a deal! What’s behind door number 2?

Paul, in the mean time, finds a moment in all this overly complex plot line to start making googly eyes at some cute Arab type male named Mécir, who works at the school. I suppose this could be shocking to someone. I don’t know, Ivy League society debutante perhaps? I must admit for me it seems like a typical day in typical big city campus America. So obviously some of the drama is failing me here. Anyway Paul and Mécir hangout, kiss, deny they are gay, kiss, swear to not see each other, kiss, exchange jewelry, kiss… You get the picture.

Here we go people, hang on, it’s the big finale!

Louis-Arnaud figures out the game and plays both Agnès and Paul for fools of course and in the process displaying the attributes of a total jerk. Quél Surprise! Paul has a existential discourse about parents, dogs and guys, I think. I myself had a The Doors flashback and suddenly thought of lizards and peace symbols. Next Paul and Mécir swear their undying love and then due to big bad Louis-Arnaud (representing the oppression of the lower classes by the rich) break up. Next Paul lies to Agnès about him and Louis-Arnaud having made sweet lovin’ at some unknown point in the film, thus she leaves him (representing him finally getting some smarts; rich or not she’s a basket case). Woohoo!

So, in the end

This is a nicely made film. Gotta give it its due there boy. Nice scenery and great framing, big nipples, lot’s of uncut… blah blah blah. But Lordy! The pretense, the pontification, the pure garbage drips like drool from a rottweiler. College kids might experiment with radical ideas and concepts, but the political drivel coming from the mouths of these wealthy, uptight, upper middle class kids is poisonous. “Eat the rich!” is a wonderful battle cry, but grow some balls or at least buy a leather jacket and spike your hair first. OK?

Next, why the hell was I watching so much naked heterosexual sex going on in yet another “GAY” film? What was the point? Was Paul supposed to be bisexual or finding himself? I’m confused and so is he. He came off in the end like a confused little boy, not someone coming to the realization he had been involved in a group of people with no real maturity and no class to say the least. Class to me means handling yourself in such a way as to be non-harmful to those around you no matter what sucky things are happening to you, not some social strata clap trap to rile against.

Poor Mécir, seems to me he came to be the one I thought actually learned something the hard way here. He experienced some growth and maturity ending in heart break, which is pretty much a downer, but oh well. I do not think it is what the film maker intended me to think honestly.

Last, to those who care, the men’s locker room shower scenes are worth renting this for. The total amount of full on male frontal nudity is stunning unlike anything I’ve experienced recently on film, independent or otherwise. Well OK, besides porn movies. If you are in that frame of mind, lots of big swinging uncut cocks here, but don’t want to be seen renting a porno then by all means rent this messy Grande école thing.

Maybe I was not made watching for these French films. Maybe in France, gay men don’t like watching good mature gay romances.