Main cast: Brittany Blanton (Jane), Cheyenne Gordon (Gil), Kenzie Phillips (Tasha), Mark Justice (Mason), Kaylee Williams (Courtney), Jason Crowe (Will), Kayla Elizabeth (Miley), Alex Gottmann (Charlie), Julie Anne Prescott (Nicole), Tom Komisar (Bowman), Cara McConnell (Harper), Nessa Moore (Vanessa), and Brandy Mason (Meg)
Director: Shawn Burkett
Shawn Burkett had had to be the marketer of the year or he might have traded unspeakable favors for it, but Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2 clearly has a much bigger budget over that thing that came before it.
The much improved opening and closing sequences aside, there is an actual location, with noticeably fewer scenes of the cast members cramped inside a camping tent. The lighting is much, much better, as is the camera work. There is also an actual story here, imagine that!
If the previous monster was a rip-off, er, homage to Predator, here the monster is a slug-like thing that is right out of Night of the Creeps.
Like every other horror movie in the woods, we have a camp here: Pine Hill Camp. Managed mostly by handyman Gil, who’s on parole, and the camp nurse Vanessa, this camp sees a bunch of thirty-something and forty-something year old teenagers showing up to hump either guy on gal or gal on gal—clearly, guy on guy doesn’t exist in edgy horror, although looking at the caliber of guys in this movie, the absence is for the best.
Even blood-soaked Meg, a refugee from the previous movie, showing up screaming her warnings fails to put a dent on these libidinous “teenagers”. Fortunately, slug-like things, which find their way into copulating couples in ways that are likely too horrifying for delicate souls reading this, show up soon to put an end to the sight of ugly people bumping and grinding.
Nessa Moore and Cheyenne Gordon actually play their roles like human beings, so much so that I can only wonder what they are doing in this thing. Gil asks the same thing about Vanessa, wondering whether she too is running away from something, and that particular scene feels meta considering the caliber of these two actors versus the rest that were clearly cast based on their willingness to get naked on screen.
Mind you, this one is nowhere as soft porn-y as the previous one, so folks expecting more of the same may be disappointed this time around.
Unfortunately, the scares haven’t been upped to compensate for this. Sure, there are some practical effects, but they look lame instead of awesome. While the body count is pretty impressive, the death scenes are forgettable and unimaginative. Even the scare scenes feel uninspired and even predictable—a nail in the coffin when it comes to any horror film.
I suppose one can have fun spotting scenes that are homages to cult B-grade horror films such as Inseminoid, Contamination, and They Came From Within, but surely there are better movies that can be used to play such a game.
All in all, this is a film that feels neither here nor there. Folks looking for nudity and crappy simulated sex scenes will likely enjoy the previous film more, while horror movie fans may enjoy pretty much anything else. So, what is the point of this movie?
