John M Fitzgerald, $2.99
Contemporary Erotica, 2010
Deb’s Horny Dad is a work of pure erotica. It’s about a married man, Jack, who realizes that he has a thing for sixteen-year old girls, which in this case amount to his daughter and her friends. Yes, this is a work of pure smut, designed for no reason other than to assist the reader in getting his or her jollies off with minimal interference from annoying elements like plot and characterization.
Like all poorly-written smut stories, this one is all about the boinking without context or build-up. Our hero, Jack, has no memorable physical description other than his “monstrous cock”, which is apparently so large that it can’t be contained within ordinary pants when it’s erect. The ladies are all blessed with breasts the size of watermelons and have the tendency to boink the hero just because he is randy for them.
When it comes to reviewing erotica, I try to keep in mind Rule 34 – anything you can think of, someone out there in the web has a sexual fetish for that anything. From rubber ducks to telephone poles, it doesn’t matter: it exists, so someone out there will want to hump it. Even so, it is hard for me not to snort in derision at some of the more over-the-top overblown scenes in this story.
For example, the author has a friend of our hero’s sixteen-year old daughter, a blind girl of all things, letting our hero spy on her take a dump in the toilet and wipe herself clean afterward. Apparently watching her do this turns Jack on so much, he can hammer nails into lead walls using his almighty love muscle. The blind girl realizes that Jack is watching her, so she immediately throws herself at Jack, with the whole new yards of boinking to follow. All I can think of in this scene is that she did not wash her hands and therefore I can feel nauseated at what happens next. And don’t get me started about the oral sex. In that very same bathroom where she has taken a dump. The smell, the fact that she didn’t wash her hands and he uses his mouth in that region so soon after she has taken her dump… ugh.
“OH SUCK ME DARLING! FOR FUCK’S SAKE’ MAKE ME ‘COME’ OR I’LL PISS ALL OVER YOU!” she almost screamed as I dug my fingers into the hot passage that gaped hungrily at me and with a sudden lunge I leaned forwards and holding the soft lips of her cunt apart I sank my mouth into the wet and trembling nest of teenage pussy as if it were a ripe melon! IT WAS JUST AS DELICIOUS AS IT LOOKED, and it smelled of perfume as I sucked and licked feverishly at the succulent morsel, while seizing my tormented dong in my sweating hand!
“Perfume”? Given the fact that the girl in that scene had just evacuated her bowels recently, I don’t think the author means “perfume” in the conventional sense. And yikes, is it just me or did the author just write that the heroine’s “perfumed morsel” seized Jack’s “tormented dong”? What is this? A scene from Species IV, the lost sequel?
Rule 34 can go hang. I’m instituting a new rule: this author is banned from writing smut ever again.
