TSR, $2.25, ISBN 0-88038-078-0
Sci-fi, 1984

It’s not visible in the cover art at its size on this page, but see that hot daddy with sizzling crotch and thigh action going on in there? Sorry, that won’t be you.

In Captive Planet, you’re that scrawny fellow with over-sized head. Still, you get to enjoy the view of the hot daddy from the back, if you could overlook the beast pew-pew’ing at you, so there’s some consolation to be had, at least.

This one is set in the Star Frontiers setting, which didn’t survive the transition from TSR to Wizards of the Woke-Scold, er, Coast, but the current incarnation of TSR has relaunched it. Still, that’s a different story for another day, as surely nobody wants to talk about the depressing state of tabletop RPG and popular media these days. Gamebooks are fun, and they won’t be tainted by screeching blue check marks unless Critical Role decides to do gamebooks instead and alert those imbeciles to the existence of these things.

So yes, this campaign. You’re Andru Clayton, a 15-year old “computer student” at the Computer Institute on Gran Quivera. Ah, 1984, when computers and robotics are use interchangeably. You’re the youngest student in your class, because you’re really that awesome.

Your awesomeness will be tested, however, when your parents appear to be MIA on the planet called New Pale. Fortunately, the appropriately named Brim Darkstar of the Star Law Rangers, the hot daddy on the cover, is here to be your guide and body pillow bodyguard as you look for them.

Whirling around you, you see a tall, muscular human standing next to another Vrusk. The man is clad in a tight blue skeinsuit and is smiling beneath a dark moustache.

This sounds like the opening sentence of a chapter in a sci-fi romance novel. Brim is described as “handsome” quite often, you can only wonder whether you’re expected to let your imagination run wild about what will happen between Daddy Brim and Andru between the action scenes. “Full to the brim” takes on a whole new meaning here, and looking at the cover again, you just have to love that new meaning.

Then you recall that your character is only 15 and hope that the FBI won’t come to arrest you for such filthy thoughts.

Captain Planet can be a source of annoyance in that you are often asked to make decisions based on a whim, and because of this, you can land smack into an abrupt bad ending just like that. Getting to the good ending is more of a game of correctly guessing Morris Simon’s script rather than on any agency of your own, and that isn’t always a fun experience.

However, once you discover the route to the happy ending, which isn’t hard as this is a pretty short campaign, you may realize that this campaign captures perfectly the spirit of the hokey yet entertaining kiddie cartoons of the 1980s, back in the days when shows such as SilverHawks and Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs aired without trying too hard to make kiddies become jaded and disenchanted with life.

After all, you have hokey, well-meaning allies that balance narm and charm, and of course, the hot daddy that is clearly the leader but nonetheless for some reason defers to you when it comes to major decisions about the campaign. These side characters are all likable and even adorable, without becoming too much of a liability. If they seemed dumb at times, well, even He-Man could be dumb at times too in his show back in those days.

The artwork of the gang in tight body-hugging spandex (especially Brim) doesn’t hurt, of course.

Sure, this won’t be the most compelling gamebook around, but it’s a fun, nostalgic throwback to a golden era for kiddie cartoons in the 1980s. That is never a bad thing, of course—far from it, in fact!