Main cast: Crystal Allen (Dr Amanda Hayes), Linden Ashby (Jackson), Ana Ularu (Heather), Emil Hostina (Eugene), Danny Midwinter (Scott), Călin Stanciu (Alex), and John Rhys-Davies (Peter “JD” Murdoch)
Director: Don E FauntLeRoy
Anacondas: Trail of Blood picks up shortly after the events of Anaconda 3: Offspring, because apparently, we needed more of this cinematic… treasure.
That movie ended with the baby Dracanaconda (yes, you read that right) finding its way to JD Murdoch despite the efforts of Dr Amanda Hayes, the final girl in that movie. However, the snake breaks loose, because these people haven’t learned anything from the last movie, and now it’s out and about.
The movie’s plot can be summed up in one word: running. People run comically from rubbery CGI snakes, while others inexplicably run towards them. My favorite scenes include a Darwin Award contender who charges the snake, empties his peashooter into it, and gets eaten for his troubles. It’s comedy gold, I tell you!
Then there’s the attempted heroic last stand, complete with a grenade. But our slithery friend, now powered by super serum juice has developed Sonic the Hedgehog-level speed along with regeneration powers, swerves away at the last minute and leaves our would-be hero to die in vain. Because why not?
While the always delicious Linden Ashby feels like a step down from the Hasselhoff himself, he valiantly attempts to inject his character with charm. Sadly, his efforts are wasted on a final girl whose acting skills rival those of a particularly untalented tree stump.
The movie’s production values scream “budget cuts” louder than the victims’ screams at the sight of the anaconda. The special effects look like they were created on a defunct Commodore 64, giving us a snake that’s about as realistic as a rubber toy from a dollar store. Yet, there’s a strange, almost endearing quality to it all. You can almost feel the cast and crew’s desperate attempts to make something watchable with what little they had. It’s like watching a group of enthusiastic amateurs put on a school play about giant snakes—sad, charming, and unintentionally hilarious all at once.
You also get the distinct impression that the movie stopped caring about… well, everything… approximately two seconds after it began. In a strange way, it succeeds by embracing its own absurdity. I found myself laughing at its sheer stupidity, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t the original intent, but hey, I’ll take it!
And thus concludes the Anaconda franchise… for now. It didn’t go out with a bang, but rather with a whimper and a chuckle. Mission accomplished? Well, if the mission was to make me laugh at how gloriously bad it is, then yes, absolutely. Bravo, Anacondas: Trail of Blood, bravo.
