Main cast: David Hasselhoff (Markos Hammett), Crystal Allen (Dr Amanda Hayes), Ryan McCluskey (Pinkus), Patrick Regis (Nick), Anthony Green (Captain Grozny), Alin Oleantu (Andrei), Toma Danila (Victor), Milahela Elena Oros (Sofia), Cristobal Urquiaga (Anaconda), and John Rhys-Davies (Murdoch)
Director: Don E FauntLeRoy
The anacondas are back, and a few scientists just have to be involved. A billionaire mogul, Murdoch, funds the research at Wexel Hall, where Dr Amanda Heyes leads the genetic modification experiments on two big angry anacondas while avoiding the even angrier PETA. Supposedly these anacondas have special qualities worth growing these already huge anacondas into mammoth proportions. Not that the details matter, because this movie isn’t exactly big on logic or accurate science.
As you can imagine, they break free shortly into this movie and go on a killing spree in the surrounding woods. Murdoch calls in a team of mercenaries led by Markos Hemmett, and Amanda along with her team tag along. The more, the better for the anacondas to eat, after all.
Set in the woods in a Romanian countryside, this movie looks and screams low budget from every reel. It’s sad to say that the most expensive thing about it is most likely David Hasselhoff, because the snakes are some of the cheapest-looking and cheesiest CGIs around. Mr Hasselhoff is actually pretty good in playing a campy and hammy character in a movie that is pure corn, but most of the remaining cast are as wooden as the trees dotting the scenery.
As for the plot, it’s basically idiots running wild in the woods until they get eaten. But because the movie is running on a cheap budget, it’s hard to make the death scenes anything but cringe-inducing and hammy as the anacondas really like they are made of rubber. In the meantime, I have to sit through the tedium of banal and trite lines and acting of the cardboard box variety.
Ultimately, the problem of Anaconda 3: Offspring isn’t that it’s cheap: it’s cheap and boring to watch because it’s basically monster movie clichés unimaginatively strung together and barely held by Mr Hasselhoff’s presence. And something tells me he won’t be bragging about this movie anytime soon, except maybe as a self-depreciating punchline.
