Main cast: Tatiana Maslany (Jennifer Walters/She-Hulk), Jameela Jamil (Titania), Ginger Gonzaga (Nikki Ramos), and Mark Ruffalo (Bruce Banner/Hulk)
Director: Kat Coiro

Finally, I am watching She-Hulk: Attorney at Law. I know, I’m late, but let’s keep it real: nobody I know asks me to review this show ASAP, and those that do tell me about this show warn me to stay as far away as possible if I ever valued my sanity.

Is it that bad? Still, I took my time because of the red flags present even before the show started.

Creator, scriptwriter, and showrunner Jessica Gao is openly disdainful of the superhero genre, dismissing fans as icky white incels and saying that this show is made just to troll them. You know what they say about idiots that use their employer’s money to burn down the workplace—Disney deserves everything they get for letting Kevin Feige turn the MCU into the new Rick and Morty.

Then, Ms Gao says she signed on to do the MCU version of an attorney show, but realizes later that she can’t do anything other than to rehash Rick and Morty stuff, so she and her fellow cheap diversity hires strong female nobodies geniuses decide to just do whatever they want instead.

Additionally, Ms Gao spends all her time in the pre-show publicity rounds and social media mocking males using the tired old social media armchair feminist playbook, generally inflaming people into attacking her so that she can then play the tired old “you all don’t like my show because you are racist, sexist, etc” card.

On top of all of those things, she acts like the show is her personal toilet paper, rather than a show she is paid to develop in order to entertain viewers and get people to subscribe to Disney+.

All the hype prior to the show debut is how it will have this guest star, that cameo, etc and nothing about the main character. Seems like even the marketing team can’t find anything good about the show to hype up!

Having been burned by all the Disney+ crap recently excreted out from the rear ends of all these nobodies that treat their shows like their own neurotic coloring books at their adult daycare centers, a big part of me is terrified of even looking at the poster of the show. Still, just for the sake of completion, I suppose I have better get the strong libations ready as I sit down to watch this thing.

The opening episode, A Normal Amount of Rage, is all about how Jennifer Walters becomes She-Hulk. Spoiler: it’s all a man’s fault.

Basically, Jennifer is an attorney. She’s a good one, and I know because in the opening scene, she delivers this horribly cringe-filled “13-year old’s idea of social activism” speech in preparation for closing a case, and some mousy nobody of a sidekick cheers and tells her how awesome she is and how great she looks too.

Yup, this is going to be one of those shows that will see the screenwriter spending more time beating me in the head about how awesome everyone says the lead female character is without putting in the work to make the character actually walk the talk.

Anyway, she turns out to be the surprise cousin of Bruce, and in some accident, she gets some of his blood in her and lo and behold, she is now Gamorra She-Hulk. Only, she can control her Hulk side, unlike Bruce, and after some training with him, she is awesome and a better Hulk than he can ever be.

So, that’s it, basically, and the rest of the series promises to be all about her becoming more awesome.

Oh boy. Where do I even start?

Did Jessica Gao use an AI to write this script? It sure follows the grand tradition of “Woman stronk! Can do anything without trying or training! Because vagina!” nonsense that should be more at home at CW—think Batwoman and the rest of the turds clogging that particular toilet—to the point that it is very predictable how the lead character is going to be an obnoxious, smug, annoying snot while the rest of the cast will just keep repeating over and over how awesome she is to her face.

It’s pretty obvious here that Ms Gao detests the fact that she has to do this show to pay her rent, because the disdain for the MCU oozes through every scene that Jennifer has with Bruce.

Do you know that Bruce can’t control his Hulk side because he’s a man, and therefore hasn’t been subjected to real oppression like being catcalled by men on a daily basis? That’s Jennifer’s condescending response to her cousin’s dismay at how she can control her Hulk and he can’t.

She’s not sympathetic at all, and in the process comes off like a huge narcissist because Bruce is one of those heroes that saved galaxies from Thanos, and lost his beloved, if you can believe Joss Whedon, but yes, let’s belittle him because being catcalled is the most serious oppression ever.

She also belittles Captain America because she thinks that he’s a virgin, and that’s the worst thing ever even when he was one of the key people that, you know, saved half the lives of all existence from Thanos. Worse, Ms Gao defecates all over these characters by having Bruce reveal to Jennifer…

You know, I’m just going to call her Jessica from now on. She’s clearly just the idealized version of what Jessica Gao imagines herself to be.

So, as I was saying, Bruce tells Jessica that Steve told him that he isn’t a virgin. This is so stupid, because Steve isn’t that close to Bruce, and he’s not the kind to kiss and tell. If he did kiss and tell, it’d likely be to those that are closer to him: Tony, Sam, or Bucky for instance. It’s pretty clear that the people involved in this show have no idea of or care about the pre-existing dynamics in the MCU, sigh.

Then there is the humor, which essentially boils down to Jessica being a rude and patronizing snot while everyone laughs at how awesome she is. The whole thing is very unfunny, but I’m sure the defenders of the show will say I need high IQ to understand cringe comedy that seems to be written by a not-very-bright 13-year old.

Also, I have to believe rumors that Disney is undercharging and short-circuiting their CGI vendors because Hulk looks really bad here, while Jessica looks like Gamorra after tripping down a few flights of stairs and hitting each step on her way down.

Hence, I cringe when the characters speak, and recoil when I have to look at the green… things… on the screen.

Whatever Disney is paying Jessica Gao, I hope it’s worth further dunking the franchise into the un-flushed toilet for.